Something is BUGGING me

The story starts in July 2008 already:

It is Holiday Club here at UMC, about 280 children from different walks of life have been together for four days and the 64 , very tired, leaders are having their hands full but all seems to go well and the kids seem to be responding well to the Gospel, except...

A group of 5 kids that seems to be related somehow are constantly fighting. They look like street children but they assure us that they have homes and families. One of them, the eldest, is bullying the other 4. We call them aside and talk and pray with them. They are sorry and will behave from now on.

Day 5 - the last day is over and we hear a scream outside: The eldest of the five kids has pulled a knife. We take the knife and call the kids in, one by one. She claims that the knife is for protection. She tells a heartbreaking story. Her little brother (or at least we think he is) tells the family history in a different way, still heartbreaking. We keep the knife and let them go, telling them that their parents can come to fetch the knife - they never do.

That night, we realize that the kids never really went home that afternoon. We feed them and offer to take them home, they accept the food and reject the lift home. Someone claiming to be their uncle picks them up.

Four months later

It is Sunday morning, amongst the many smiling faces at Sunday school i spot 5 familiar faces. They are wearing the same clothes as four moths earlier. They even join us for a cup of tea after the service. I am excited, maybe the seed that was planted at holiday club is starting to germinate...

over the next month they become regulars in the Sunday School. We still have no idea where they actually live. I start to notice that when i arrive on a Sunday Evening for our contemporary service - they are already there. Do they actually go home for lunch?

The are so at home now that they are beginning to bully the other kids, ever the older youth (who are very patient and tolerant) are beginning to complain that the 'street kids' are throwing them with stones. I call the kids aside, i talk to them once more (maybe they don't know better).

It is Sunday again, the kids again arrive at Sunday School, the old ladies are now beginning to get annoyed with these kids who wolf down everything that is meant for the congregation to share with their tea. I explain that they must have been hungry but that i will talk to them. At four that afternoon i arrive at the church the kids come out of hiding from behind the church but deny that they were there. Again they terrorize the youth (who are now beginning to loose their patience). During the service I find myself battling to concentrate on on the sermon that i am delivering as they keep moving around, giggling and throwing each other with berries.

After the service I call them together and explain that they are welcome but that there are certain kinds of behavior that is not appropriate. I try to be firm but 'nice' and tell them that the service finishes by 20h00 and that they have to arrange with their parents to pick them up at that time (the previous 2 weeks we took them to somewhere in the middle of the informal settlement - they still don't want us to see where they live - after it became clear that 'their uncle' is not coming).

Monday Evening, my day off - i quickly run into the church to pick something up. When i turn around, they are there. I feel awful but tell them that they cannot be there at that time.

Tuesday - youth cells. I open up at 17h00 so the band can practice - the kids sneak in. It is cold and rainy outside but I take a hard line and tell them that they need to go home before it gets dark. At 18h45 I realize that they are still there, again throwing the youth (who came for cell groups) with stones. I am angry - I take them out of the church and tell them that they are welcome on a Sunday, but this is the time for older kids. I tell them that i cannot allow them to hurt the other kids and if that continues, they will not be welcome...

I came home at about 21h30 last night feeling BUGGED about this... Surely the church could not tell anyone that they are not welcome. I heard Jesus saying: "Suffer the little children to come unto me" and i saw a picture of him chasing people who made it impossible for others to worship out of the church and it BUGGS me! it buggs me that there are kids who have no place to go on a rainly day other than an open church. It buggs me that i have gone so far as to tell these kids that they are welcome - conditionally. It bugss me that if i allow these kids to be there, others are not free to worship and focus. It buggs me that i suspect that things might start disappearing from the church if i do not set boundaries.

WWJD is becoming increasingly more difficult for me

BUGGED

Protocol Observed

It was a Saturday and, as often happens in the ministry, i found myself running from one meeting to the next:
* The first meeting was an informal meeting in a local coffee shop. There were no carefully planed agenda's and nobody was taking any minutes - simply a hand full of people who are involved in mission of some form or description. They came from different churches, organizations, cultures and socio-economical backgrounds. No one was 'in charge', each person sharing in a celebration of the work of God in the world.
* The second was an official church meeting, (and a very important one i may add) chaired by one of the influential ministers who holds a high office in the hierarchy of our church. This too was a meeting about mission. The chairperson was attempting to explain to the meeting (all ministers, pastors, preachers and leaders) that all people are set free to be in mission.

In the first meeting I found a sincere appreciation for the skills; the ministry and the lives of each other as we shared in each others joys, hurts, dreams and challenges. People were reaching out across the divides in an effort to reach a common goal. In the second meeting i found competitiveness, pride, jealousy and so much red tape that nothing that was shared will be implemented within at least three months of the meeting... but at least protocol has been observed

Give us today our daily bread...

Sitting in a coffee shop the other day, a friend asked:" What can i eat that is cheap and filling, but please don't tell me 'bread'! "

How often have i been in that place in my own life: "Lord, i want to be filled with Your Spirit, i want to know You more... But please don't tell me to spend more time and energy on my knees and with your Word"

Why do we settle for that which cannot satisfy? Why do we want the cheap and easy option Spiritually? Today i will ask for my Daily Bread and find it not in spiritual junckfood, but in "the Bread of Life".

opstaan - deur koos van der merwe

"mag jy mooi wees as die lelik verby is
en jy sag kyk na elke harde tyd
mag jy bly wees as die huil verby is
en jy vrede he na die stryd

verkeerde goed kom more weer reg
en die wyn is soet na die bitter en sleg

mag jy opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
mag jy huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter los vir die son

en mag jy droom, mag jy ook vergeet
en op plekke woon wat van horisonne weet

jy kan opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
jy kan huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter lost vir die son"

pressing on

Those who know me well will know the journey that I have been on; know my struggle with a "superwoman" complex; know that I am a recovering-control-freak (with lost of recovery that still needs to take place); know something of my over-active sense of responsibility; know my fear of disappointing; my fear of the unknown... you might also know that about two weeks ago I resigned from my position as Youth Pastor in the Uitenhage Methodist Church.

So...

I am on a new journey, leaving behind me many things that I have taken for granted for a very long time, stretching out into the uncertain future, but towards integrity... and wholeness. How i wish that i could declare as boldly as Paul: "Ek maak my los van wat agter is en strek my uit na wat voor is..." but truth be told, it is with shaky steps that i loosen my grip as superwoman to make room for ... just me. And yet, unsteady as i am in these new but strangly familiar shoes I know that nothing can seperate my from His love!

From God - with love

So there i was walking around the boardwalk today with a heavy heart, worrying about all the things that tomorrow will bring, stopping with my son to watch a clowning act done by a local couple involved in clowning ministry....

First, let me interrupt myself by saying that over the last 3 weeks my soul has been crying out for some flowers and although i have seen numerous beautiful wild flowers on a hiking trip and a trip to the beautiful Cape, i was not satisfied - because they were not my flowers.

Anyway, so here i was, standing absentmindedly at a distance after the show when I heard the clown saying to my husband : "which way are you going now? i want to walk with you because i need to spoil your wife today. "

I must say, i was feeling a bit like Zacheus, sitting in the tree minding his own business, when Jesus stopped and said: Come down - for i am going to your house today...

So there in the busy boardwalk, the clown in his gentle way reminded me of the Holy Spirit being there, while making me this flower and saying that I need to remember Jesus' words in Luke 12:22-34 - and then he turned around and walked into the crowd

In that moment I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat: I have been feeling so unworthy of God's love, so tired of trying, so afraid of the unknown, so powerless, so ...
And here is God, speaking to me through the two things in life that i really don't enjoy - a clown and a plastic flower.

Today i bow in humility before my King: "i am weak but Tho are mighty..." and with the church throughout the ages I sing that oh so relevant hymn: "Guide me oh thou great Jehovah..."

The Long and the Short of it

Earlier last week our church secratary (at least i think that is her official job description), asked me where my sparkel has gone ... I joked and said that once confirmation is over she can have anything she wants, even sparkel. Yesterday she came to me, with her gentle eyes that looks deeper than most, and asked since confirmation is now over when she could expect my sparkle to come back...

So here is the story - the long and the short of it:

I knew from an early age that i felt called into full-time ministry (at first i was thinking about mission). I did the whole running away thing for some time and studied high school education instead. In my final year i was confronted with the prospect of youth ministry and after having prayed long and hard about it made the change. I started out as a youth pastor and not long afterwords experienced a very strong called into what i believed was ordained ministry. I spend five years in youth ministry however before candidating for the ordained ministry. My first two years as a student minister was in the beautiful cape in a little place called Macassar (close to Somerset West in South Africa). Although this was a cross-cultural station i felt right at home and enjoyed every minute of my work there... and then out of the blue i got a call from the bishop to let me know that it was the decision from the presiding bishop that i have to move to Bloemfontein (do not go to those who need you but to those who need you most). So, with many tears, i left the beatiful Cape to go back to the place where i started out as a youth pastor. When I arrived i heard that they did not want me - but that i will have to do. I worked extremely hard trying to built up the 5 societies in my care and at the end of that year, i had the joy of seeing the fruit of my labour in that the two biggest societies were stable enough to each have their own minister now. What a joy to see the growth in a community that has not had the luxury of having their own minister for so long...

Unfortunately this was the begining of the end. I have stepped on many toes, been to vocal and with the added burden of ill health and the resulting academical miss step, i have finaly been discontinued from the ministry that I have put so much into. I left the ministry not having had the audience of either the bishop or presiding bishop and still in pain after a recent opp. My son was due to start School and we had to make some quick decisions. By the grace of God and with some help of friends we survived the two months without a stipend and without a place to really call "home". In Feb, i started in Uitenhage as a youth pastor, signing a 3year contract - so what is the problem?

I enjoy the young people and that while i enjoy the local church i find myself being highly sceptical of the church at large. I find the structures enslaving and the red tape limiting. I am beginning to wonder if i will ever be able to stand up in front of a synod again and declare that i believe and teach the doctrines of our church - not to mention adhering to its discipline. I cannot stay in youth ministry forever and i am pressuered from all sides to recandidate and go back into the same structure that spat me out only months ago. I find myself slipping into the role of minister all too easily when the need arises. I miss ministering through sacraments, i miss the diversity of the ordained ministry - but i cannot see myself going back into it.

I have a passion for people who do not fit the mould, for those who are sitting in the shadows. I long for a day when the church can truely be church and be set free from religion. I want to share the Good News of a God who loves, a God of grace, a God who is so much bigger than our understanding, a God who is real and oh so verry relavant. I long to show the other side of God. I have a passion for healing and reconciliation, I have a passion for young poeple and for showing a verry real alternative. I have a passion for God... But i do not know how or in what capacity to live this passion, this call. I am still to vocal, i still step on toes and my verry being goes against so much of what has become the expected mould that i cannot see a future for me in traditional church (he-he, perhaps that is why i get along so well with the youth).

Pray for me for clarity and wisdom as i urgently seek some direction on what it means for me to Be Under God's Supervision

Sparkelless bug