Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Call me Thomas

After my bold thoughts about a resurrection life an noticing the flame that is my call burning brighter again, I allowed painful experiences of the past to continue to haunt me and when everyone around me said "He has risen indeed" Everything in me shouted 'maybe for you but unless i feel and see and experience for myself...'

But God is patient and allows me to look at His wounds, that is for my healing, one by one.

The problem, i am beginning to realize, is that perhaps i am to scared/stubborn to look. So step 1 will have to be to purposefully seek out the company of the Risen Christ and allow Him to show me LIFE

Thursday, April 21, 2011

a flame is burning

I surrender, i can no longer pretend that i dont hear the call. Butt this time I cant do it on my own strength either - so i wait...

Holy Week - New Life

It has been week since I wrote that last post - significantly it has been the week known as Holy Week.

In this week I have had to face the fact that I have been suffering with depression (and been in denial about it) for far too long.

In this week I have been shouting with the crowds "hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the Name of the Lord" and I have betrayed my Lord with a kiss like Judas. In this week I boldly proclaimed that Jesus is the Messiah together with Peter, and with Peter I have denied that I was called by name to follow Him, to walk on the water in the face of a storm, to a fisher of men and to feed His people.

This week I have been stripped of all pride and pretense with the church on maundy Thursday and walked out in darkness and silence...

But this week i have also seen that even in the darkest moments the little light of hope in Jesus as the resurrection and life burns bright regardless of may fear and doubt and that even the darkness cannot put it out

So, tomorrow, i will lay my disbelief, my denial, my fears and my grief into that tomb with my Lord and I will lay to rest my resentful "eie-wys" self. I will allow Easter to change my life now, here to a resurrection life and not way for Life and peace to come one-day when i die.

14 April - I give up

It is a beautiful day at what has come to be my place of rest and reflection over the past year and a bit. There is a buzz of excitement at this little coffee shop on the beach today as a large group of 'senior' cyclists made this their breakfast stop. my mind is even busier than the shop, but I cant help but smile when i read the name of the club that is printed on their shirts "recyclers"

At the table opposite me a couple is smiling lovingly at each other as he saps his fried tomato for her toast - they have been doing this for years and no discussion is needed

Despite the slight chill in the air, some children are playing blissfully in the shallow waves.

There is probably a smile of contentment on my face as i watch some soap bubbles (from who knows where) floating idly by and for the first time in ages life makes 100% sense. I smile as the waiter put another cup of coffee down in front of me.

I have decided to enjoy a quiet and relaxing morning here today before i start with the packing and final plans for my trip.

My mind goes back 12, no - 14 years ago to a time when i was just a student. It must have been this time of the year to when my boyfriend and i joined the my family for the Easter weekend at the beach - I wasn't happy but determined to make it work. I married him two years later, got divorced after almost 10 years of marriage and ministry. The two years that followed was a roller-coaster ride always somewhere between hope and despair - always trying always scheming, always hoping that somehow all will be okay. I have lost just about everything in these two years, everything but my beautiful, amazing, funny, intelligent, sensitive soon-to-be-10-year-old. It is this young life that has inspired me to get up every day for the last two years.

Now, at last, rest is in sight. I hope it will be a beautiful, sunny day like today when I finally take my big step...