opstaan - deur koos van der merwe

"mag jy mooi wees as die lelik verby is
en jy sag kyk na elke harde tyd
mag jy bly wees as die huil verby is
en jy vrede he na die stryd

verkeerde goed kom more weer reg
en die wyn is soet na die bitter en sleg

mag jy opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
mag jy huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter los vir die son

en mag jy droom, mag jy ook vergeet
en op plekke woon wat van horisonne weet

jy kan opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
jy kan huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter lost vir die son"

pressing on

Those who know me well will know the journey that I have been on; know my struggle with a "superwoman" complex; know that I am a recovering-control-freak (with lost of recovery that still needs to take place); know something of my over-active sense of responsibility; know my fear of disappointing; my fear of the unknown... you might also know that about two weeks ago I resigned from my position as Youth Pastor in the Uitenhage Methodist Church.

So...

I am on a new journey, leaving behind me many things that I have taken for granted for a very long time, stretching out into the uncertain future, but towards integrity... and wholeness. How i wish that i could declare as boldly as Paul: "Ek maak my los van wat agter is en strek my uit na wat voor is..." but truth be told, it is with shaky steps that i loosen my grip as superwoman to make room for ... just me. And yet, unsteady as i am in these new but strangly familiar shoes I know that nothing can seperate my from His love!

From God - with love

So there i was walking around the boardwalk today with a heavy heart, worrying about all the things that tomorrow will bring, stopping with my son to watch a clowning act done by a local couple involved in clowning ministry....

First, let me interrupt myself by saying that over the last 3 weeks my soul has been crying out for some flowers and although i have seen numerous beautiful wild flowers on a hiking trip and a trip to the beautiful Cape, i was not satisfied - because they were not my flowers.

Anyway, so here i was, standing absentmindedly at a distance after the show when I heard the clown saying to my husband : "which way are you going now? i want to walk with you because i need to spoil your wife today. "

I must say, i was feeling a bit like Zacheus, sitting in the tree minding his own business, when Jesus stopped and said: Come down - for i am going to your house today...

So there in the busy boardwalk, the clown in his gentle way reminded me of the Holy Spirit being there, while making me this flower and saying that I need to remember Jesus' words in Luke 12:22-34 - and then he turned around and walked into the crowd

In that moment I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat: I have been feeling so unworthy of God's love, so tired of trying, so afraid of the unknown, so powerless, so ...
And here is God, speaking to me through the two things in life that i really don't enjoy - a clown and a plastic flower.

Today i bow in humility before my King: "i am weak but Tho are mighty..." and with the church throughout the ages I sing that oh so relevant hymn: "Guide me oh thou great Jehovah..."