Call me Thomas

After my bold thoughts about a resurrection life an noticing the flame that is my call burning brighter again, I allowed painful experiences of the past to continue to haunt me and when everyone around me said "He has risen indeed" Everything in me shouted 'maybe for you but unless i feel and see and experience for myself...'

But God is patient and allows me to look at His wounds, that is for my healing, one by one.

The problem, i am beginning to realize, is that perhaps i am to scared/stubborn to look. So step 1 will have to be to purposefully seek out the company of the Risen Christ and allow Him to show me LIFE

a flame is burning

I surrender, i can no longer pretend that i dont hear the call. Butt this time I cant do it on my own strength either - so i wait...

Holy Week - New Life

It has been week since I wrote that last post - significantly it has been the week known as Holy Week.

In this week I have had to face the fact that I have been suffering with depression (and been in denial about it) for far too long.

In this week I have been shouting with the crowds "hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the Name of the Lord" and I have betrayed my Lord with a kiss like Judas. In this week I boldly proclaimed that Jesus is the Messiah together with Peter, and with Peter I have denied that I was called by name to follow Him, to walk on the water in the face of a storm, to a fisher of men and to feed His people.

This week I have been stripped of all pride and pretense with the church on maundy Thursday and walked out in darkness and silence...

But this week i have also seen that even in the darkest moments the little light of hope in Jesus as the resurrection and life burns bright regardless of may fear and doubt and that even the darkness cannot put it out

So, tomorrow, i will lay my disbelief, my denial, my fears and my grief into that tomb with my Lord and I will lay to rest my resentful "eie-wys" self. I will allow Easter to change my life now, here to a resurrection life and not way for Life and peace to come one-day when i die.

14 April - I give up

It is a beautiful day at what has come to be my place of rest and reflection over the past year and a bit. There is a buzz of excitement at this little coffee shop on the beach today as a large group of 'senior' cyclists made this their breakfast stop. my mind is even busier than the shop, but I cant help but smile when i read the name of the club that is printed on their shirts "recyclers"

At the table opposite me a couple is smiling lovingly at each other as he saps his fried tomato for her toast - they have been doing this for years and no discussion is needed

Despite the slight chill in the air, some children are playing blissfully in the shallow waves.

There is probably a smile of contentment on my face as i watch some soap bubbles (from who knows where) floating idly by and for the first time in ages life makes 100% sense. I smile as the waiter put another cup of coffee down in front of me.

I have decided to enjoy a quiet and relaxing morning here today before i start with the packing and final plans for my trip.

My mind goes back 12, no - 14 years ago to a time when i was just a student. It must have been this time of the year to when my boyfriend and i joined the my family for the Easter weekend at the beach - I wasn't happy but determined to make it work. I married him two years later, got divorced after almost 10 years of marriage and ministry. The two years that followed was a roller-coaster ride always somewhere between hope and despair - always trying always scheming, always hoping that somehow all will be okay. I have lost just about everything in these two years, everything but my beautiful, amazing, funny, intelligent, sensitive soon-to-be-10-year-old. It is this young life that has inspired me to get up every day for the last two years.

Now, at last, rest is in sight. I hope it will be a beautiful, sunny day like today when I finally take my big step...

To whom it may concern

To whom it may concern:

I am still here, I'm still around. I am under pressure but not completely crushed - i can still breath even though it is only just.

Is that You?

Amid the chaos of my life i find my soul slowly awakening to the gentle but persistent call of that Still Small Voice

In the past year i have given up on God's call in my life - the idea of life in His service seemed impossible, and way to hard. I have started my new job of saving lives in the here and now and doing some sales and teaching work on the side... making life work ... or so i thought. And now, in the chaos and the pain, in the tiredness and the sometimes crude world of emergency services, i feel this pull back to Him, back to basics, back to ministry, back to life ... and although nothing make sense - everything make sense!

Lord, i am a bit out of touch... is that You? Calling me again?

i told you so...

I often wonder how life would be if i could into the future, if i could know without a doubt where the path would lead... would i still go?

i have so often been told 'i told you so' and am standing at one of those 'i told you so moments again. I should have known and others have told me so, but i refused to listen. Now i wonder, if i could have seen with my own eyes, would i...

i guess i probably would - i am suborn that way.

and yet, there are few things in life that i honestly regret, for each of those 'mistakes' brought me closer to who i am, through each mistake i have shed some of my masks.

"i told you so, i smile at myself" and get up to clean my own mess