Determining my level of consciousness

It is Saturday morning and i am sitting in a suddenly quiet Medic Room at our base. After an extremely busy 24hour shift i am thinking of my own level of consciousness. In the emergency medical field, Level of consciousness is most often described by using a either the AVPU (Alert, to voice, to pain, unconscious) or GCS scale. Now being tired and therefore somewhat less alert is one thing, but it made me think how often in life am i really alert and fully conscious to everything that happens in my life? I think back over the past 10 years and realise that there were times that i have been mostly unconscious _refusing or unable to see what was going on and certainly not responsive to God's voice in my life. Then there were times when i have been responding to pain only: knee-jerk reactions that were uncontrolled and uncoordinated. moments when i lashed out in pain or where my pain immobilised me to such an extend that i could focus on little more. on many occasions i have been responding to voice, unfortunately, like many of my patients i have often been responding to the wrong voices - ones that might have been well-meaning but often misguided - instead of focussing on the Still Small Voice that knew what i should and should not do, that often was there to calm my storms and fears. If Only i had listened to God's voice more often and focused on Him alone i could have done things very differently On rare occasions like today, despite being physically tired, i am alert and aware. And what a blessing it is in those moments to notice the work of prevenient grace in my life; to see the blessing of an amazing son; to notice the people who share my life with their own pain, voices and brokenness; and to experience on a conscious level with excitement (and a touch of fear) the voice of God in my life. Today i choose to live my life alert and awake under God's supervision again. May in 10 years from now there be more alert times when i look back, than times in a decreased state of consciousness

Re-Creation

Somewhere in the deepest corners of my heart somethings is stirring. A strange sense of familiarity struggles to make itself known. Have i been here before? If I have, why does this remind me so much of the Genesis 1 story of creation? Is it that deep within my being something new is taking shape or could it be that this is His work of re-creation: Restoring me to His original plan and purpose? After so much brokenness, chaos, hurt and confusion could it be that one of the greatest miracles of all is happening in me? Can an old disgruntled Christian with loads of baggage be made new? "I wait ... like watchmen wait for the morning..."

a quick update

It has been a while and so much has happened. But this is where i am at: * i am still a mom of a now amazing eleven-year-old * my hobby has become my job and my job has become my hobby - I am now a full-time medic working on an ambulance and enjoying every moment and to keep me grounded i serve as a local preacher in my local church * still living life under God's Supper-vision * God is still good and still present in my up's and downs's and i marvel every day at His amazing patience and grace

Call me Thomas

After my bold thoughts about a resurrection life an noticing the flame that is my call burning brighter again, I allowed painful experiences of the past to continue to haunt me and when everyone around me said "He has risen indeed" Everything in me shouted 'maybe for you but unless i feel and see and experience for myself...'

But God is patient and allows me to look at His wounds, that is for my healing, one by one.

The problem, i am beginning to realize, is that perhaps i am to scared/stubborn to look. So step 1 will have to be to purposefully seek out the company of the Risen Christ and allow Him to show me LIFE

a flame is burning

I surrender, i can no longer pretend that i dont hear the call. Butt this time I cant do it on my own strength either - so i wait...

Holy Week - New Life

It has been week since I wrote that last post - significantly it has been the week known as Holy Week.

In this week I have had to face the fact that I have been suffering with depression (and been in denial about it) for far too long.

In this week I have been shouting with the crowds "hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the Name of the Lord" and I have betrayed my Lord with a kiss like Judas. In this week I boldly proclaimed that Jesus is the Messiah together with Peter, and with Peter I have denied that I was called by name to follow Him, to walk on the water in the face of a storm, to a fisher of men and to feed His people.

This week I have been stripped of all pride and pretense with the church on maundy Thursday and walked out in darkness and silence...

But this week i have also seen that even in the darkest moments the little light of hope in Jesus as the resurrection and life burns bright regardless of may fear and doubt and that even the darkness cannot put it out

So, tomorrow, i will lay my disbelief, my denial, my fears and my grief into that tomb with my Lord and I will lay to rest my resentful "eie-wys" self. I will allow Easter to change my life now, here to a resurrection life and not way for Life and peace to come one-day when i die.

14 April - I give up

It is a beautiful day at what has come to be my place of rest and reflection over the past year and a bit. There is a buzz of excitement at this little coffee shop on the beach today as a large group of 'senior' cyclists made this their breakfast stop. my mind is even busier than the shop, but I cant help but smile when i read the name of the club that is printed on their shirts "recyclers"

At the table opposite me a couple is smiling lovingly at each other as he saps his fried tomato for her toast - they have been doing this for years and no discussion is needed

Despite the slight chill in the air, some children are playing blissfully in the shallow waves.

There is probably a smile of contentment on my face as i watch some soap bubbles (from who knows where) floating idly by and for the first time in ages life makes 100% sense. I smile as the waiter put another cup of coffee down in front of me.

I have decided to enjoy a quiet and relaxing morning here today before i start with the packing and final plans for my trip.

My mind goes back 12, no - 14 years ago to a time when i was just a student. It must have been this time of the year to when my boyfriend and i joined the my family for the Easter weekend at the beach - I wasn't happy but determined to make it work. I married him two years later, got divorced after almost 10 years of marriage and ministry. The two years that followed was a roller-coaster ride always somewhere between hope and despair - always trying always scheming, always hoping that somehow all will be okay. I have lost just about everything in these two years, everything but my beautiful, amazing, funny, intelligent, sensitive soon-to-be-10-year-old. It is this young life that has inspired me to get up every day for the last two years.

Now, at last, rest is in sight. I hope it will be a beautiful, sunny day like today when I finally take my big step...

To whom it may concern

To whom it may concern:

I am still here, I'm still around. I am under pressure but not completely crushed - i can still breath even though it is only just.

Is that You?

Amid the chaos of my life i find my soul slowly awakening to the gentle but persistent call of that Still Small Voice

In the past year i have given up on God's call in my life - the idea of life in His service seemed impossible, and way to hard. I have started my new job of saving lives in the here and now and doing some sales and teaching work on the side... making life work ... or so i thought. And now, in the chaos and the pain, in the tiredness and the sometimes crude world of emergency services, i feel this pull back to Him, back to basics, back to ministry, back to life ... and although nothing make sense - everything make sense!

Lord, i am a bit out of touch... is that You? Calling me again?

i told you so...

I often wonder how life would be if i could into the future, if i could know without a doubt where the path would lead... would i still go?

i have so often been told 'i told you so' and am standing at one of those 'i told you so moments again. I should have known and others have told me so, but i refused to listen. Now i wonder, if i could have seen with my own eyes, would i...

i guess i probably would - i am suborn that way.

and yet, there are few things in life that i honestly regret, for each of those 'mistakes' brought me closer to who i am, through each mistake i have shed some of my masks.

"i told you so, i smile at myself" and get up to clean my own mess

Bean around

Many people have asked where I have been the last 7months and want to know what I have been doing.

So here is the short of it: In the last 7 months, i have been hanging in and trying to make life work. Everything that i always thought i was good at fell flat and i had to start over again. One thing remained constant tho: I am still passionate about coffee, so if you are wondering where I have bean, check out my coffee blog

It made my day...

Yesterday,when picking my son up from school, he couldn't wait to tell me that the misunderstanding between him and his best friend had been cleared up. Upon hearing this conversation, one of his other friends commented that he couldn't believe that Jaco shared this with me. Jaco was very surprised at this and replied: I always ask my mom for advice!

This made my day. I pray that as he gets older he will always feel comfortable talking to me about the things that bugs him.

Count your blessings...

This morning I read a blog.
This caused me to stop and think and count my blessings, naming them one by one, so here goes:
* My Amazing son
* Good Health
* Having fun with my studies
* Good friends
* New Friends
* Seeing lives change
* Having hope again
* An amazing friend
* Being loved
* People who challenge me (like above mentioned blog)

A new season

The changes that spring brings, the growth, the warmth, the hope and the excitement is beginning to blossom in my soul and I am smiling, really smiling with my eyes, my mouth AND MY HEART.

I am embarking on a new and exciting journey and I love it! I am studying ‘Basic Ambulance Assistance’ on a part-time basis and if all goes well will be finishing my BAA by mid-December. I am having so much fun with this course! I am excited about making a real difference in someone’s life; I am excited about saving lives, and I am excited about doing ministry outside of the financial chaos that has marked this year. I am excited about being able to speak up and out without worrying if the church will still employ me next year. I am excited about the possibilities of stability and fulfillment that the future holds. I am excited at the thought of even a possibility of a future.

And even though the study fees are killing me and finances are tough right now, I am at peace.

Spring has Sprung

After a long and exceptionally cold winter in my heart, the first signs of Spring and new life is beginning to appear. My heart sings with Mari du Toit's song:

Reenjaar
Hierdie winter is oor
Die lug is nou skoon
Die seisoen het gedraai
Daar’s groeikrag in die grond
Daar’s `n wolkie daar bo
Met belofte van reen
En die winde steek op
Wat die boodskap verder neem

Die eerste voeltjies het terug gekom
Diere snuif in die wind
almal ken die tekens van die reen – reen oor ons land

Gee ons in oorvloed weer
Dat almal in alles kan deel
Ons buig laag soos bedelaars
O, gee ons `n reenjaar vanjaar

Hierdie winter was fel
Daar het harte versteen
En die velde was vaal
Want blomme leef van reen
Daar was ver te veel stryd
en `n oorvloed van haat
maar die hoop het bly leef-
die winter is verby

Die eerste vriendskap is uitgeruil
Mense reik na mekaar
Groter as die wonder van die reen-
Vrede in ons land

Gee ons in oorvloed weer
dat elkeen met almal kan deel
ons kniel laag soos bedelaars
o, gee ons `n reenjaar vanjaar

Soek - deur Koos van der Merwe

soek

skugter

en ontnugter

gekomplimenteer

en seer

moet ek groet

nog voor ons regtig kon ontmoet

nog `n gedig

nog `n gesig

ek dag nog dis jy

toe’s dit alles verby

Tyd

dis weer winter in my lentetyd

elke bloeisel is doodgeryp

dis weer eina in my

heelwordtyd

my hart

is

koud

my trane sout

my hart gegrendel

my drome weer verydel

dis alleentyd in my saamweestyd

Simplicity

Four years ago, I have found a wonderful book called “breathe” by Keri Wyatt Kent, a book that speaks of slowing down, of taking time out and of Creating space for God in a Hectic Life. The problem is that, up to a week ago, I haven’t had the time to read it so that I could create space. Finally sitting down to read this book however has gotten me thinking: What is it that my life is about? What are my limitations that I am so intend on hiding that I am wanting to create this picture to the world of someone who can do it all, be it all, have it all – without resting at all?

I am amazed, I am amazed at how hard I try to fool the world and I am even more amazed at how hard I try to fool myself!

And so, sitting in a place of tranquillity on a otherwise rainy day, with the sun peaking our from under the clouds causing the raindrops to sparkle like diamonds on ever flower and every leaf, I know that I need to simplify my life. The question is: How, where do I even start?

I will start by taking a deep breath – remembering that the word for Spirit as used in the Hebrew and Greek (and most African languages I am told) is the same. I will deliberately take time to simply take deep, slow breaths every day while reminding myself of God’s presence and power in my life.

I have had to stop and take time to reflect on the things that I value in my life. Last night I have watched the movie “Bruce Almighty” again with some students. There is that conversation between Morgan Freedman – God & Jim Carry – Bruce

God: Pray…!

Bruce: Well ok… Lord, bless the poor people and let there be peace … on earth. How’s that.

God: That’s great, if you want to be miss America,

But what do you really care about?

That is my next stop, to reflect on what it is that I really care about? I care about my son, I care about my loved ones, I care about people who are finding it hard to experience God’s love and grace. I care about making a difference in the lives of people. Why is it then that up to 90% of my time is taken up by admin – something that I am neither passionate about, nor good at. So, I find myself frustrated in my job and taking it out on my child family and friends.

Right, note to self: Find a way to minimize admin

I am missing the opportunity to do teach not school subjects, but about God and life. I miss putting things into words that makes it accessible to people of all walks of life. I miss sharing my passion and love for God and others with people.

Note to self: Create opportunities to teach

I find myself scatterbrained and spread so thinly that I can’t seem to do a single thing properly and I hate that I am always on damage control.

Note to self: Focus – choose were you are going to make the difference and stick to it!

I am tired of being tired, I am tired of running around I am tired of complaining…

Note to self: Plan better and be more grateful.

I want to have more direction in my life. I hate that feeling of being lost, that feeling of not knowing where my life is going, that feeling of unpreparedness.

Note to self: Start the day by saying “I am available to your direction Lord”

I want to live in the moment, not just dream about the future. I want to be happy where I am at. I want to enjoy the journey; I want to appreciate the adventure.

Note to self: Live life frugally

When I friend of mine asked me over the weekend: so what do you do for fun, I could tell her what every one of my friends, my son and my love one does for fun, but what do I do? What do I really enjoy? What rejuvenates me? What gives me joy that I can do for even half a day every week and what can I say ‘no’ to?

Note to self: Have fun! Be ME (and say no)

Now this is the part where I really begin to struggle: I have been brought up not to be self-centred, not to waist time or money, never to be idle. I have been proud of always being available to everyone – no matter what the time of day or what my needs. And now it is time to reassure myself. It is okay to stop and drink from the wellspring of life. It is okay for me to say no to that which is worthwhile but which I am not called to do. It is okay. I need reassurance that not being busy all the time does not make me less but more, it means that I have more energy and focus to be truly present in the things that I choose to do.

So this is me on a journey to life in the slow lane, I am not there yet and I am tempted to hurry – but I am getting better at being me.

Simply Bugs

"I did not raise you that way"

2 Tim 1:7 "for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"

On Friday Morning i was sitting in a tea Garden with a book about slowing down (that i have often tried to read but never have the time to finish), while my son enjoyed the sun, playing on tractors and with bunnies. It was an idyllic day with the warmth of the sun on my face re-assuring me of the warmth of the presence of the Son in my life.

While reading the book "breathe" i was reminded or the words of 2 Tim 1:7 and it got me thinking...

I have often heard parents say to their children (and not without a little hint of disappointment or frustration): "I did not raise you that way"

here i could almost hear God saying to me "I did not raise you that way" - although in His voice there was no disappointment or frustration, just overwhelming love.

Over the last couple of months with so much happening in my life i was often overwhelmed by fear and ran around like a chicken with it's head chopped off. "what if..." was driving me insane.

And so i hear God say: "My child, i did not raise you that way... in fact - I did not make you that way" God has not given me a Spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind!

Counting down to what?

At Synod Gus asked me what i was counting down to, my answer then was: 'I am counting down to Pentecost'. That was true, that was the idea (then Synod happened and i stopped counting) but i had no idea what i was really counting down to. Pentecost this year brought for me a new and fresh look at myself, stripped of all pretense, bravery and masks. Pentecost brought an overwhelming sense of God's call on my life and of my own limitations. Pentecost reminded me that this was God's call even if it was my life (as a matter of fact, i am even beginning to doubt that it was my life to begin with) and a renewed sense of urgency, hope and of being captured by His grace.

so today, i am beginning to sort out a few things in order to do that which i can do so that i can get out of the way and allow God to do that which is is known for - the impossible.