A new season

The changes that spring brings, the growth, the warmth, the hope and the excitement is beginning to blossom in my soul and I am smiling, really smiling with my eyes, my mouth AND MY HEART.

I am embarking on a new and exciting journey and I love it! I am studying ‘Basic Ambulance Assistance’ on a part-time basis and if all goes well will be finishing my BAA by mid-December. I am having so much fun with this course! I am excited about making a real difference in someone’s life; I am excited about saving lives, and I am excited about doing ministry outside of the financial chaos that has marked this year. I am excited about being able to speak up and out without worrying if the church will still employ me next year. I am excited about the possibilities of stability and fulfillment that the future holds. I am excited at the thought of even a possibility of a future.

And even though the study fees are killing me and finances are tough right now, I am at peace.

Spring has Sprung

After a long and exceptionally cold winter in my heart, the first signs of Spring and new life is beginning to appear. My heart sings with Mari du Toit's song:

Reenjaar
Hierdie winter is oor
Die lug is nou skoon
Die seisoen het gedraai
Daar’s groeikrag in die grond
Daar’s `n wolkie daar bo
Met belofte van reen
En die winde steek op
Wat die boodskap verder neem

Die eerste voeltjies het terug gekom
Diere snuif in die wind
almal ken die tekens van die reen – reen oor ons land

Gee ons in oorvloed weer
Dat almal in alles kan deel
Ons buig laag soos bedelaars
O, gee ons `n reenjaar vanjaar

Hierdie winter was fel
Daar het harte versteen
En die velde was vaal
Want blomme leef van reen
Daar was ver te veel stryd
en `n oorvloed van haat
maar die hoop het bly leef-
die winter is verby

Die eerste vriendskap is uitgeruil
Mense reik na mekaar
Groter as die wonder van die reen-
Vrede in ons land

Gee ons in oorvloed weer
dat elkeen met almal kan deel
ons kniel laag soos bedelaars
o, gee ons `n reenjaar vanjaar

Soek - deur Koos van der Merwe

soek

skugter

en ontnugter

gekomplimenteer

en seer

moet ek groet

nog voor ons regtig kon ontmoet

nog `n gedig

nog `n gesig

ek dag nog dis jy

toe’s dit alles verby

Tyd

dis weer winter in my lentetyd

elke bloeisel is doodgeryp

dis weer eina in my

heelwordtyd

my hart

is

koud

my trane sout

my hart gegrendel

my drome weer verydel

dis alleentyd in my saamweestyd

Simplicity

Four years ago, I have found a wonderful book called “breathe” by Keri Wyatt Kent, a book that speaks of slowing down, of taking time out and of Creating space for God in a Hectic Life. The problem is that, up to a week ago, I haven’t had the time to read it so that I could create space. Finally sitting down to read this book however has gotten me thinking: What is it that my life is about? What are my limitations that I am so intend on hiding that I am wanting to create this picture to the world of someone who can do it all, be it all, have it all – without resting at all?

I am amazed, I am amazed at how hard I try to fool the world and I am even more amazed at how hard I try to fool myself!

And so, sitting in a place of tranquillity on a otherwise rainy day, with the sun peaking our from under the clouds causing the raindrops to sparkle like diamonds on ever flower and every leaf, I know that I need to simplify my life. The question is: How, where do I even start?

I will start by taking a deep breath – remembering that the word for Spirit as used in the Hebrew and Greek (and most African languages I am told) is the same. I will deliberately take time to simply take deep, slow breaths every day while reminding myself of God’s presence and power in my life.

I have had to stop and take time to reflect on the things that I value in my life. Last night I have watched the movie “Bruce Almighty” again with some students. There is that conversation between Morgan Freedman – God & Jim Carry – Bruce

God: Pray…!

Bruce: Well ok… Lord, bless the poor people and let there be peace … on earth. How’s that.

God: That’s great, if you want to be miss America,

But what do you really care about?

That is my next stop, to reflect on what it is that I really care about? I care about my son, I care about my loved ones, I care about people who are finding it hard to experience God’s love and grace. I care about making a difference in the lives of people. Why is it then that up to 90% of my time is taken up by admin – something that I am neither passionate about, nor good at. So, I find myself frustrated in my job and taking it out on my child family and friends.

Right, note to self: Find a way to minimize admin

I am missing the opportunity to do teach not school subjects, but about God and life. I miss putting things into words that makes it accessible to people of all walks of life. I miss sharing my passion and love for God and others with people.

Note to self: Create opportunities to teach

I find myself scatterbrained and spread so thinly that I can’t seem to do a single thing properly and I hate that I am always on damage control.

Note to self: Focus – choose were you are going to make the difference and stick to it!

I am tired of being tired, I am tired of running around I am tired of complaining…

Note to self: Plan better and be more grateful.

I want to have more direction in my life. I hate that feeling of being lost, that feeling of not knowing where my life is going, that feeling of unpreparedness.

Note to self: Start the day by saying “I am available to your direction Lord”

I want to live in the moment, not just dream about the future. I want to be happy where I am at. I want to enjoy the journey; I want to appreciate the adventure.

Note to self: Live life frugally

When I friend of mine asked me over the weekend: so what do you do for fun, I could tell her what every one of my friends, my son and my love one does for fun, but what do I do? What do I really enjoy? What rejuvenates me? What gives me joy that I can do for even half a day every week and what can I say ‘no’ to?

Note to self: Have fun! Be ME (and say no)

Now this is the part where I really begin to struggle: I have been brought up not to be self-centred, not to waist time or money, never to be idle. I have been proud of always being available to everyone – no matter what the time of day or what my needs. And now it is time to reassure myself. It is okay to stop and drink from the wellspring of life. It is okay for me to say no to that which is worthwhile but which I am not called to do. It is okay. I need reassurance that not being busy all the time does not make me less but more, it means that I have more energy and focus to be truly present in the things that I choose to do.

So this is me on a journey to life in the slow lane, I am not there yet and I am tempted to hurry – but I am getting better at being me.

Simply Bugs

"I did not raise you that way"

2 Tim 1:7 "for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"

On Friday Morning i was sitting in a tea Garden with a book about slowing down (that i have often tried to read but never have the time to finish), while my son enjoyed the sun, playing on tractors and with bunnies. It was an idyllic day with the warmth of the sun on my face re-assuring me of the warmth of the presence of the Son in my life.

While reading the book "breathe" i was reminded or the words of 2 Tim 1:7 and it got me thinking...

I have often heard parents say to their children (and not without a little hint of disappointment or frustration): "I did not raise you that way"

here i could almost hear God saying to me "I did not raise you that way" - although in His voice there was no disappointment or frustration, just overwhelming love.

Over the last couple of months with so much happening in my life i was often overwhelmed by fear and ran around like a chicken with it's head chopped off. "what if..." was driving me insane.

And so i hear God say: "My child, i did not raise you that way... in fact - I did not make you that way" God has not given me a Spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind!

Counting down to what?

At Synod Gus asked me what i was counting down to, my answer then was: 'I am counting down to Pentecost'. That was true, that was the idea (then Synod happened and i stopped counting) but i had no idea what i was really counting down to. Pentecost this year brought for me a new and fresh look at myself, stripped of all pretense, bravery and masks. Pentecost brought an overwhelming sense of God's call on my life and of my own limitations. Pentecost reminded me that this was God's call even if it was my life (as a matter of fact, i am even beginning to doubt that it was my life to begin with) and a renewed sense of urgency, hope and of being captured by His grace.

so today, i am beginning to sort out a few things in order to do that which i can do so that i can get out of the way and allow God to do that which is is known for - the impossible.