Rain

And so the rainy season begins here in the beautiful Cape...

Last night my sleep was disturbed with the noise of strong winds blowing around everything that it could find; my two dogs complaining outside about the cold, wet weather; and my cat walking up-and-down in front of the window, refusing to go outside but having to go...

So, i got up in waves, first to secure windows, blinds and doors that were banging and making a noise; then to move the dogs to a drier, warmer spot - finding dry bedding for the two; and finally at 3 to do something about my otherwise delightful cat. Not surprisingly, i woke up this morning feeling grumpy and tired - reflecting on the night and the past 5 months that has left me so tired and worn out. The waves of things that have to be done and dealt with over the past 5 months (a divorce, moving, new school for my son, new job for me, my car being stolen, facing the family, facing the in-laws, facing a pastoral commission, facing the world, facing myself, facing the pain of others, dealing with new challenges, new dreams, new hopes, new fears, new excitements, ...) has indeed left me feeling a bit frazzled - yet at the same time, this has been a time of growth and nourishment, i time of truth.

I pray that the rain and storms in my own life will leave me as beautiful as it does the Cape.

Jephtah's dilemma - part 1

"Which Bible character do you most relate to and why?" - i often use this question as a ice-breaker in the groups that i am leading to try and see where people are at. Today as i read through Judges 9-11 i came across Jephthah again, only to find that i can (perhaps for the first time ever) relate to this obscure character:

So Jephthah, the son of a prostitute, was always frowned upon, rejected and even loathed because he would never completely fit in, never be one of 'them'. What he was (not by any doing of his own) made him unacceptable to others. But then, the proverbial paw-paw hit the fan and so they needed him for who he was, his skills and his strength. Now what, should he respond in spitefulness and anger and refuse to help or should he hear their plea and answer to the call?

How often have i not struggled with this same dilemma: it is often those who would not accept what i am who needs me for who i am. Do i hear their plea and answer to the call or do i lash out in anger and spitefulness?

Well, i will answer the call, i will pray for those who hurt me, i will help them to pick up the peaces when they need me to. I cannot choose for others how they respond to that which is different, but i can choose how i respond to that which they do out of fear, pain and ignorance.

A new perspective

Reading through Joshua 9-12 today, it struck me that this land that Israel is taking possession of is the same land that a previous generation thought impossible to enter (see Numbers 13:28).

A new perspective is what we need, a new unshakable faith in our God who gives victories over the giants we are facing.

My prayer is that i will not leave this up to the next generation (although this next generation excites me with their focus on possibilities), but that i will make that mindset shift and live the adventure.

The Fall of Jericho

Today in my devotions i was reading again the story that i used to love as a child - the fall of the Jericho walls.
- now before i continue, allow me to say that i know this if far from an exegesis. It is not meant to be a sermon but a rather loose reflection on where in am. So, without further ado: this is what i felt when i read Joshua 6 today:

For a very long time in my life i have felt like the city of Jericho: strong and steadfast but with high walls all around me so that no one could enter, no one could come to close. I have been serving a purpose that i thought was mine, or perhaps i just wanted it to be mine. In this city of mine those who were allowed 'inside my walls' were given a falls sense of reality and security - they were as much prisoners as what i was (only they did not know it).

In the last few years, but certainly in the last few months, God has been at work in me in a process of breaking down the walls. The people around me did not see the cracks, but God in his grace and wisdom knew better and so in a process that does not make sense to most people (and even to me at times) began the process of setting me free.

There are those who has been a place of refuge for me in one of the most difficult times in my life and they will always be welcome inside the new city. Others will be welcome too, but few will chose to re-enter my life with the new (yet ancient) reality.

It is a painful process for me to allow the "people of God" access to my life, to allow the God of the people to brake down the walls so carefully constructed to keep me safe.

Yet i know that i am destined for more that what i could dream and the temporary embarrassment, the moment of nakedness and complete vulnerability will soon make way for the me that i was created to be...

Resolution

I hereby resolve to ask people directly if i have any questions about them and not to rely on that which i hear from others - no matter how well-meaning. (and i would appreciate it if they would return the favor)

Perspective

The last couple of weeks have been crazy with logistical nightmares as my car has been stolen and although it was retrieved, it took a lot of time and frustration to have it fixed. In this time, having gone through a whole lot of changes in my live, i have grown increasingly more impatient.

This morning, after having rushed my son and after disrupting the little bit of routine that he has, his prayer made everything okay when he prayed "thank you Lord for the best mom in the whole world".

I thank God today for having the best son in the whole world! Today everything seems to be back into its proper perspective for me.

The Challenge

A friend of mine challenged me last night to find at least one thing in each day that reminds me that i am where God wants me to be right now.

This is proving to be quite a challenge, but here goes:

Yesterday i met with a group of ministers in the surrounding circuits to discuss a standardized but meaningful confirmation program, while i feel completely out of my depth for the task ahead, i am excited by the sense of real connexionality. I am passionate about confirmation and seeing ministers working together, instead of against each other, fills me with hope for our church.

So yes, it is good to be here right now