BUGS - Being Under God's Super vision

Call me Thomas

2011-04-26T10:04:00.000+02:00

After my bold thoughts about a resurrection life an noticing the flame that is my call burning brighter again, I allowed painful experiences of the past to continue to haunt me and when everyone around me said "He has risen indeed" Everything in me shouted 'maybe for you but unless i feel and see and experience for myself...'

But God is patient and allows me to look at His wounds, that is for my healing, one by one.

The problem, i am beginning to realize, is that perhaps i am to scared/stubborn to look. So step 1 will have to be to purposefully seek out the company of the Risen Christ and allow Him to show me LIFE

a flame is burning

2011-04-21T21:49:00.000+02:00

I surrender, i can no longer pretend that i dont hear the call. Butt this time I cant do it on my own strength either - so i wait...

Holy Week - New Life

2011-04-21T21:26:00.000+02:00

It has been week since I wrote that last post - significantly it has been the week known as Holy Week.

In this week I have had to face the fact that I have been suffering with depression (and been in denial about it) for far too long.

In this week I have been shouting with the crowds "hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the Name of the Lord" and I have betrayed my Lord with a kiss like Judas. In this week I boldly proclaimed that Jesus is the Messiah together with Peter, and with Peter I have denied that I was called by name to follow Him, to walk on the water in the face of a storm, to a fisher of men and to feed His people.

This week I have been stripped of all pride and pretense with the church on maundy Thursday and walked out in darkness and silence...

But this week i have also seen that even in the darkest moments the little light of hope in Jesus as the resurrection and life burns bright regardless of may fear and doubt and that even the darkness cannot put it out

So, tomorrow, i will lay my disbelief, my denial, my fears and my grief into that tomb with my Lord and I will lay to rest my resentful "eie-wys" self. I will allow Easter to change my life now, here to a resurrection life and not way for Life and peace to come one-day when i die.

14 April - I give up

2011-04-21T21:08:00.000+02:00

It is a beautiful day at what has come to be my place of rest and reflection over the past year and a bit. There is a buzz of excitement at this little coffee shop on the beach today as a large group of 'senior' cyclists made this their breakfast stop. my mind is even busier than the shop, but I cant help but smile when i read the name of the club that is printed on their shirts "recyclers"

At the table opposite me a couple is smiling lovingly at each other as he saps his fried tomato for her toast - they have been doing this for years and no discussion is needed

Despite the slight chill in the air, some children are playing blissfully in the shallow waves.

There is probably a smile of contentment on my face as i watch some soap bubbles (from who knows where) floating idly by and for the first time in ages life makes 100% sense. I smile as the waiter put another cup of coffee down in front of me.

I have decided to enjoy a quiet and relaxing morning here today before i start with the packing and final plans for my trip.

My mind goes back 12, no - 14 years ago to a time when i was just a student. It must have been this time of the year to when my boyfriend and i joined the my family for the Easter weekend at the beach - I wasn't happy but determined to make it work. I married him two years later, got divorced after almost 10 years of marriage and ministry. The two years that followed was a roller-coaster ride always somewhere between hope and despair - always trying always scheming, always hoping that somehow all will be okay. I have lost just about everything in these two years, everything but my beautiful, amazing, funny, intelligent, sensitive soon-to-be-10-year-old. It is this young life that has inspired me to get up every day for the last two years.

Now, at last, rest is in sight. I hope it will be a beautiful, sunny day like today when I finally take my big step...

To whom it may concern

2011-03-31T14:04:00.000+02:00

To whom it may concern:

I am still here, I'm still around. I am under pressure but not completely crushed - i can still breath even though it is only just.

Is that You?

2010-11-11T23:41:00.000+02:00

Amid the chaos of my life i find my soul slowly awakening to the gentle but persistent call of that Still Small Voice

In the past year i have given up on God's call in my life - the idea of life in His service seemed impossible, and way to hard. I have started my new job of saving lives in the here and now and doing some sales and teaching work on the side... making life work ... or so i thought. And now, in the chaos and the pain, in the tiredness and the sometimes crude world of emergency services, i feel this pull back to Him, back to basics, back to ministry, back to life ... and although nothing make sense - everything make sense!

Lord, i am a bit out of touch... is that You? Calling me again?

i told you so...

2010-10-01T16:37:00.000+02:00

I often wonder how life would be if i could into the future, if i could know without a doubt where the path would lead... would i still go?

i have so often been told 'i told you so' and am standing at one of those 'i told you so moments again. I should have known and others have told me so, but i refused to listen. Now i wonder, if i could have seen with my own eyes, would i...

i guess i probably would - i am suborn that way.

and yet, there are few things in life that i honestly regret, for each of those 'mistakes' brought me closer to who i am, through each mistake i have shed some of my masks.

"i told you so, i smile at myself" and get up to clean my own mess

Bean around

2010-07-06T22:36:00.000+02:00

Many people have asked where I have been the last 7months and want to know what I have been doing.

So here is the short of it: In the last 7 months, i have been hanging in and trying to make life work. Everything that i always thought i was good at fell flat and i had to start over again. One thing remained constant tho: I am still passionate about coffee, so if you are wondering where I have bean, check out my coffee blog

It made my day...

2009-10-20T07:58:00.002+02:00

Yesterday,when picking my son up from school, he couldn't wait to tell me that the misunderstanding between him and his best friend had been cleared up. Upon hearing this conversation, one of his other friends commented that he couldn't believe that Jaco shared this with me. Jaco was very surprised at this and replied: I always ask my mom for advice!

This made my day. I pray that as he gets older he will always feel comfortable talking to me about the things that bugs him.

Count your blessings...

2009-10-07T10:07:00.002+02:00

This morning I read a blog.
This caused me to stop and think and count my blessings, naming them one by one, so here goes:
* My Amazing son
* Good Health
* Having fun with my studies
* Good friends
* New Friends
* Seeing lives change
* Having hope again
* An amazing friend
* Being loved
* People who challenge me (like above mentioned blog)

A new season

2009-09-23T10:55:00.000+02:00

The changes that spring brings, the growth, the warmth, the hope and the excitement is beginning to blossom in my soul and I am smiling, really smiling with my eyes, my mouth AND MY HEART.

I am embarking on a new and exciting journey and I love it! I am studying ‘Basic Ambulance Assistance’ on a part-time basis and if all goes well will be finishing my BAA by mid-December. I am having so much fun with this course! I am excited about making a real difference in someone’s life; I am excited about saving lives, and I am excited about doing ministry outside of the financial chaos that has marked this year. I am excited about being able to speak up and out without worrying if the church will still employ me next year. I am excited about the possibilities of stability and fulfillment that the future holds. I am excited at the thought of even a possibility of a future.

And even though the study fees are killing me and finances are tough right now, I am at peace.

Spring has Sprung

2009-09-16T11:24:00.003+02:00

After a long and exceptionally cold winter in my heart, the first signs of Spring and new life is beginning to appear. My heart sings with Mari du Toit's song:

Reenjaar
Hierdie winter is oor
Die lug is nou skoon
Die seisoen het gedraai
Daar’s groeikrag in die grond
Daar’s `n wolkie daar bo
Met belofte van reen
En die winde steek op
Wat die boodskap verder neem

Die eerste voeltjies het terug gekom
Diere snuif in die wind
almal ken die tekens van die reen – reen oor ons land

Gee ons in oorvloed weer
Dat almal in alles kan deel
Ons buig laag soos bedelaars
O, gee ons `n reenjaar vanjaar

Hierdie winter was fel
Daar het harte versteen
En die velde was vaal
Want blomme leef van reen
Daar was ver te veel stryd
en `n oorvloed van haat
maar die hoop het bly leef-
die winter is verby

Die eerste vriendskap is uitgeruil
Mense reik na mekaar
Groter as die wonder van die reen-
Vrede in ons land

Gee ons in oorvloed weer
dat elkeen met almal kan deel
ons kniel laag soos bedelaars
o, gee ons `n reenjaar vanjaar

Soek - deur Koos van der Merwe

2009-09-08T07:47:00.000+02:00

soek

skugter

en ontnugter

gekomplimenteer

en seer

moet ek groet

nog voor ons regtig kon ontmoet

nog `n gedig

nog `n gesig

ek dag nog dis jy

toe’s dit alles verby

Tyd

2009-09-04T08:05:00.003+02:00

dis weer winter in my lentetyd

elke bloeisel is doodgeryp

dis weer eina in my

heelwordtyd

my hart

koud

my trane sout

my hart gegrendel

my drome weer verydel

dis alleentyd in my saamweestyd

Simplicity

2009-08-12T13:02:00.001+02:00

Four years ago, I have found a wonderful book called “breathe” by Keri Wyatt Kent, a book that speaks of slowing down, of taking time out and of Creating space for God in a Hectic Life. The problem is that, up to a week ago, I haven’t had the time to read it so that I could create space. Finally sitting down to read this book however has gotten me thinking: What is it that my life is about? What are my limitations that I am so intend on hiding that I am wanting to create this picture to the world of someone who can do it all, be it all, have it all – without resting at all?

I am amazed, I am amazed at how hard I try to fool the world and I am even more amazed at how hard I try to fool myself!

And so, sitting in a place of tranquillity on a otherwise rainy day, with the sun peaking our from under the clouds causing the raindrops to sparkle like diamonds on ever flower and every leaf, I know that I need to simplify my life. The question is: How, where do I even start?

I will start by taking a deep breath – remembering that the word for Spirit as used in the Hebrew and Greek (and most African languages I am told) is the same. I will deliberately take time to simply take deep, slow breaths every day while reminding myself of God’s presence and power in my life.

I have had to stop and take time to reflect on the things that I value in my life. Last night I have watched the movie “Bruce Almighty” again with some students. There is that conversation between Morgan Freedman – God & Jim Carry – Bruce

God: Pray…!

Bruce: Well ok… Lord, bless the poor people and let there be peace … on earth. How’s that.

God: That’s great, if you want to be miss America,

But what do you really care about?

That is my next stop, to reflect on what it is that I really care about? I care about my son, I care about my loved ones, I care about people who are finding it hard to experience God’s love and grace. I care about making a difference in the lives of people. Why is it then that up to 90% of my time is taken up by admin – something that I am neither passionate about, nor good at. So, I find myself frustrated in my job and taking it out on my child family and friends.

Right, note to self: Find a way to minimize admin

I am missing the opportunity to do teach not school subjects, but about God and life. I miss putting things into words that makes it accessible to people of all walks of life. I miss sharing my passion and love for God and others with people.

Note to self: Create opportunities to teach

I find myself scatterbrained and spread so thinly that I can’t seem to do a single thing properly and I hate that I am always on damage control.

Note to self: Focus – choose were you are going to make the difference and stick to it!

I am tired of being tired, I am tired of running around I am tired of complaining…

Note to self: Plan better and be more grateful.

I want to have more direction in my life. I hate that feeling of being lost, that feeling of not knowing where my life is going, that feeling of unpreparedness.

Note to self: Start the day by saying “I am available to your direction Lord”

I want to live in the moment, not just dream about the future. I want to be happy where I am at. I want to enjoy the journey; I want to appreciate the adventure.

Note to self: Live life frugally

When I friend of mine asked me over the weekend: so what do you do for fun, I could tell her what every one of my friends, my son and my love one does for fun, but what do I do? What do I really enjoy? What rejuvenates me? What gives me joy that I can do for even half a day every week and what can I say ‘no’ to?

Note to self: Have fun! Be ME (and say no)

Now this is the part where I really begin to struggle: I have been brought up not to be self-centred, not to waist time or money, never to be idle. I have been proud of always being available to everyone – no matter what the time of day or what my needs. And now it is time to reassure myself. It is okay to stop and drink from the wellspring of life. It is okay for me to say no to that which is worthwhile but which I am not called to do. It is okay. I need reassurance that not being busy all the time does not make me less but more, it means that I have more energy and focus to be truly present in the things that I choose to do.

So this is me on a journey to life in the slow lane, I am not there yet and I am tempted to hurry – but I am getting better at being me.

Simply Bugs

"I did not raise you that way"

2009-07-21T10:04:00.002+02:00

2 Tim 1:7 "for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"

On Friday Morning i was sitting in a tea Garden with a book about slowing down (that i have often tried to read but never have the time to finish), while my son enjoyed the sun, playing on tractors and with bunnies. It was an idyllic day with the warmth of the sun on my face re-assuring me of the warmth of the presence of the Son in my life.

While reading the book "breathe" i was reminded or the words of 2 Tim 1:7 and it got me thinking...

I have often heard parents say to their children (and not without a little hint of disappointment or frustration): "I did not raise you that way"

here i could almost hear God saying to me "I did not raise you that way" - although in His voice there was no disappointment or frustration, just overwhelming love.

Over the last couple of months with so much happening in my life i was often overwhelmed by fear and ran around like a chicken with it's head chopped off. "what if..." was driving me insane.

And so i hear God say: "My child, i did not raise you that way... in fact - I did not make you that way" God has not given me a Spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind!

Counting down to what?

2009-06-03T09:11:00.001+02:00

At Synod Gus asked me what i was counting down to, my answer then was: 'I am counting down to Pentecost'. That was true, that was the idea (then Synod happened and i stopped counting) but i had no idea what i was really counting down to. Pentecost this year brought for me a new and fresh look at myself, stripped of all pretense, bravery and masks. Pentecost brought an overwhelming sense of God's call on my life and of my own limitations. Pentecost reminded me that this was God's call even if it was my life (as a matter of fact, i am even beginning to doubt that it was my life to begin with) and a renewed sense of urgency, hope and of being captured by His grace.

so today, i am beginning to sort out a few things in order to do that which i can do so that i can get out of the way and allow God to do that which is is known for - the impossible.

...6...

2009-05-26T16:35:00.000+02:00

Monday : Hope

...7...

2009-05-25T13:21:00.001+02:00

Sunday, God has this way of answering patiently even when i behave like a 2-year-old. Pete's sermon was a blessing

...8...

2009-05-25T13:19:00.001+02:00

Saturday morning was spent clearing some of the clutter in my house, a time that i used to also clear some of the clutter from my mind - another blessing

...9...

2009-05-25T08:00:00.002+02:00

Friday afternoon was spent in simplicity, playing games with my son and reading - thanks be to God for a time of sanity

Count(ing my blessings) down to Penticost

2009-05-22T11:23:00.006+02:00

At our Ascension Day Service Pete(rock) challenged us to journal every day about at least one moment in that day when we encountered God: So here Goes:

Wednesday was not a good day for me. My car ran our of fuel in peak-hour traffic on a very busy road with no-where to go to get out off the way. This together with some other struggles and frustration (and probably a bit of pms) left me feeling useless and extremely sorry for myself. I began to reflect on all of my failures and the events of my life that has brought me to the place i am. Eventually i ended up saying i am useless, i am useless in ministry, i am useless in motherhood and i am useless in my personal life... and then i looked around me and so the unwashed dishes and started crying.

On Thursday morning at 00h23 i woke up with an sms from a friend who lives 1000km away pleading desperately for some encouragement to make it through a very dark night. I responded rather sleepily and went back to bed.

When i woke up again at 6h15, there was an sms from the same friend thanking me for my friendship, encouragement and ministry to her over the past couple of years. My son came to disturb my peace with a tickle-fight (which got me moving enough to wash the still unwashed dishes) after which i spend an amazing day of family fun. This perfect day draw to a close with a time of worship and a candlelight dinner.

And so yes, i encountered God. I encountered Him in each of the areas where i felt lost and helpless.

blessed-bug

Ps. there is another post that has been mulling around in my mind for a while now (lets call it 'Esther' for now) and for those who are waiting for this post... please keep bugging me about it until i eventually do it

ungrateful

2009-05-08T09:47:00.004+02:00

Today i feel guilty for being so ungrateful. Over the last four weeks i have been going around with a "woe is me..." attitude simply because i have had a bit of a stressful time... How could i have been so ungrateful, so self-centered! Here i was, thinking that i am going through a particularly difficult time, when there are people around me, people i care about who is experiencing so much more pain, so much more fear, so much more...

Yesterday, i learned that my younger cousin (a beautiful, kind-hearted, inteligent, gifted, 22-year-old woman) was diagnosed with MS). This would be hard in any family, but with Anita...

Anita is the youngest of two girls, her older sister has downs-syndrome and has had a stroke when she was about 10 years old. She is now in a wheelchair, are wearing diapers and have the mental capability of a two-year-old. Nina's condition has put a tremendous amount of strain on the family. Anita, in her gentle way has always taken care of her older sister with so much love and devotion.

Pray with me for this family- for Anita, Nina and their parents.

As for me, i choose to count my blessings (after all, i am only a bit tired and stressed).

So today i give thanks for my amazing son; an opportunity to minister amongst amazing people; my friends and loved ones. Today i give thanks to for life!

Rain

2009-04-29T12:14:00.002+02:00

And so the rainy season begins here in the beautiful Cape...

Last night my sleep was disturbed with the noise of strong winds blowing around everything that it could find; my two dogs complaining outside about the cold, wet weather; and my cat walking up-and-down in front of the window, refusing to go outside but having to go...

So, i got up in waves, first to secure windows, blinds and doors that were banging and making a noise; then to move the dogs to a drier, warmer spot - finding dry bedding for the two; and finally at 3 to do something about my otherwise delightful cat. Not surprisingly, i woke up this morning feeling grumpy and tired - reflecting on the night and the past 5 months that has left me so tired and worn out. The waves of things that have to be done and dealt with over the past 5 months (a divorce, moving, new school for my son, new job for me, my car being stolen, facing the family, facing the in-laws, facing a pastoral commission, facing the world, facing myself, facing the pain of others, dealing with new challenges, new dreams, new hopes, new fears, new excitements, ...) has indeed left me feeling a bit frazzled - yet at the same time, this has been a time of growth and nourishment, i time of truth.

I pray that the rain and storms in my own life will leave me as beautiful as it does the Cape.

Jephtah's dilemma - part 1

2009-03-10T14:00:00.002+02:00

"Which Bible character do you most relate to and why?" - i often use this question as a ice-breaker in the groups that i am leading to try and see where people are at. Today as i read through Judges 9-11 i came across Jephthah again, only to find that i can (perhaps for the first time ever) relate to this obscure character:

So Jephthah, the son of a prostitute, was always frowned upon, rejected and even loathed because he would never completely fit in, never be one of 'them'. What he was (not by any doing of his own) made him unacceptable to others. But then, the proverbial paw-paw hit the fan and so they needed him for who he was, his skills and his strength. Now what, should he respond in spitefulness and anger and refuse to help or should he hear their plea and answer to the call?

How often have i not struggled with this same dilemma: it is often those who would not accept what i am who needs me for who i am. Do i hear their plea and answer to the call or do i lash out in anger and spitefulness?

Well, i will answer the call, i will pray for those who hurt me, i will help them to pick up the peaces when they need me to. I cannot choose for others how they respond to that which is different, but i can choose how i respond to that which they do out of fear, pain and ignorance.

A new perspective

2009-03-04T08:43:00.003+02:00

Reading through Joshua 9-12 today, it struck me that this land that Israel is taking possession of is the same land that a previous generation thought impossible to enter (see Numbers 13:28).

A new perspective is what we need, a new unshakable faith in our God who gives victories over the giants we are facing.

My prayer is that i will not leave this up to the next generation (although this next generation excites me with their focus on possibilities), but that i will make that mindset shift and live the adventure.

The Fall of Jericho

2009-03-03T10:24:00.002+02:00

Today in my devotions i was reading again the story that i used to love as a child - the fall of the Jericho walls.
- now before i continue, allow me to say that i know this if far from an exegesis. It is not meant to be a sermon but a rather loose reflection on where in am. So, without further ado: this is what i felt when i read Joshua 6 today:

For a very long time in my life i have felt like the city of Jericho: strong and steadfast but with high walls all around me so that no one could enter, no one could come to close. I have been serving a purpose that i thought was mine, or perhaps i just wanted it to be mine. In this city of mine those who were allowed 'inside my walls' were given a falls sense of reality and security - they were as much prisoners as what i was (only they did not know it).

In the last few years, but certainly in the last few months, God has been at work in me in a process of breaking down the walls. The people around me did not see the cracks, but God in his grace and wisdom knew better and so in a process that does not make sense to most people (and even to me at times) began the process of setting me free.

There are those who has been a place of refuge for me in one of the most difficult times in my life and they will always be welcome inside the new city. Others will be welcome too, but few will chose to re-enter my life with the new (yet ancient) reality.

It is a painful process for me to allow the "people of God" access to my life, to allow the God of the people to brake down the walls so carefully constructed to keep me safe.

Yet i know that i am destined for more that what i could dream and the temporary embarrassment, the moment of nakedness and complete vulnerability will soon make way for the me that i was created to be...

Resolution

2009-02-20T12:31:00.002+02:00

I hereby resolve to ask people directly if i have any questions about them and not to rely on that which i hear from others - no matter how well-meaning. (and i would appreciate it if they would return the favor)

Perspective

2009-02-12T09:41:00.003+02:00

The last couple of weeks have been crazy with logistical nightmares as my car has been stolen and although it was retrieved, it took a lot of time and frustration to have it fixed. In this time, having gone through a whole lot of changes in my live, i have grown increasingly more impatient.

This morning, after having rushed my son and after disrupting the little bit of routine that he has, his prayer made everything okay when he prayed "thank you Lord for the best mom in the whole world".

I thank God today for having the best son in the whole world! Today everything seems to be back into its proper perspective for me.

The Challenge

2009-02-10T08:52:00.002+02:00

A friend of mine challenged me last night to find at least one thing in each day that reminds me that i am where God wants me to be right now.

This is proving to be quite a challenge, but here goes:

Yesterday i met with a group of ministers in the surrounding circuits to discuss a standardized but meaningful confirmation program, while i feel completely out of my depth for the task ahead, i am excited by the sense of real connexionality. I am passionate about confirmation and seeing ministers working together, instead of against each other, fills me with hope for our church.

So yes, it is good to be here right now

Jaco's new journey

2009-01-21T10:58:00.002+02:00

I am so proud of Jaco today! This morning he started grade 2 in a new school, in a new town, under new circumstances, with his new uniform, in a new language medium - and he was sooooooo brave!

Jaco learned how to read and write in Afrikaans, this morning, he went to an English school. He was standing there in front of his new class, looking at all the strange faces - and he smiled... not a ecstatic smile, but a smile of determination, a smile that said "i will be ok".

I cannot wait to walk around the corner from my office to his school to go and fetch him from his first day of school.

I thank God for my amazing son who brightens my day and my heart.

Yes, it is correct.

2009-01-21T10:33:00.002+02:00

Facebook, there are many good, bad and ugly things to be said for it. Today i am simply answering questions that arose in the minds of those who have me (and or Hanno) as friends on facebook:

yes it is correct.

After almost ten years of marriage, Hanno and i got a divorce. I am grateful for the 10 years that we have had together. I am grateful for a wonderful friend that i have in him.

Hanno and i have been struggling to make things work for the past 10 years and have at last made peace with the fact that it is better this way. This has not been a decision that has been taken lightly or on the spur of the moment. We have prayed together, cried together and found peace in the gracious presance of Him who made us and know us fully.

Pray for Hanno and me, and for our son Jaco as we each continue to journey on a new path.

Corrected by my son, AGAIN

2009-01-15T09:51:00.002+02:00

And so the story continues:

yesterday morning i was standing in front of the mirror, doing my make-up when my son asked me: 'mom, why do you have to put that on?' I explained that i don't have to, but that it makes me look a little prettier. Jaco looked at me for a moment and said:

"Mom, you need to be spending time to help you be prettier on the inside, not on the outside"

What can i say...

Corrected by my son!

2008-12-11T08:56:00.002+02:00

Last night around suppertime my seven-year-old son and i were having a conversation about the importance of money. He is learning the painful lesson that all things cost money and that some people have no money and therefore no food, no toys ect.

After supper Jaco asked: "what is the most important things for people to have?" thinking in the line of economy i answered " food and shelter". It was at this moment that i was put in my place by my seven-year-old son when he looked at me and said: "no mom, God and love"

Future

2008-11-18T17:26:00.007+02:00

About a week ago i was looking around for some interesting reading material - something relating to the new area of ministry that i will be entering into ('Young Families Ministries Coordinator at Plumstead Methodist Church from January 2009) - when i came across this book by Nikki Bush & Graeme Codrington. I was so excited about this book that i decided to order it as it is not available in our little town yet. Yesterday however i met with Pete (my new boss :) ) for coffee and he decided that it would be good if i can read up a bit before i get to Cape Town. Guess what book he brought for me to read...

yip! "Future-Proof your Child"

So, if you don't hear much from my side in the next couple of days it is perhaps due to the fact that i am reading (and re-reading) the book. And yes, i will share some of my thoughts on this book as i go on.

peace
book-bug

Ezra, inter-marriage and divorce

2008-11-15T12:22:00.002+02:00

During the past few months, our fellowship group has been working systematically through the books of the Bible. We have been having great fun, and and have discovered God in new ways. On Wednesday night, we concentrated on the last chapter of Ezra. The nation has again sinned against God and "they have added to their guilt by marrying foreign wives". People are threatened with loss of property and excommunication and so all gather for an important meeting. At this meeting the inter-marriages comes under the looking-glass and the meeting decides to honor God and do 'the right thing' by sending away their foreign wives and their children born from these wives.

While their dedication and commitment, their true repentance, is commendable - i cannot help but wonder what God really though of that. I understand the theological impact of the inter-marriages and that it symbolizes the adultery and idolatry of the nation. But ... Was that His will, or was that man's idea of what would be pleasing to God?

Would love to hear some thoughts on this chapter.

intrigued-bug

Something is BUGGING me

2008-11-12T15:23:00.003+02:00

The story starts in July 2008 already:

It is Holiday Club here at UMC, about 280 children from different walks of life have been together for four days and the 64 , very tired, leaders are having their hands full but all seems to go well and the kids seem to be responding well to the Gospel, except...

A group of 5 kids that seems to be related somehow are constantly fighting. They look like street children but they assure us that they have homes and families. One of them, the eldest, is bullying the other 4. We call them aside and talk and pray with them. They are sorry and will behave from now on.

Day 5 - the last day is over and we hear a scream outside: The eldest of the five kids has pulled a knife. We take the knife and call the kids in, one by one. She claims that the knife is for protection. She tells a heartbreaking story. Her little brother (or at least we think he is) tells the family history in a different way, still heartbreaking. We keep the knife and let them go, telling them that their parents can come to fetch the knife - they never do.

That night, we realize that the kids never really went home that afternoon. We feed them and offer to take them home, they accept the food and reject the lift home. Someone claiming to be their uncle picks them up.

Four months later

It is Sunday morning, amongst the many smiling faces at Sunday school i spot 5 familiar faces. They are wearing the same clothes as four moths earlier. They even join us for a cup of tea after the service. I am excited, maybe the seed that was planted at holiday club is starting to germinate...

over the next month they become regulars in the Sunday School. We still have no idea where they actually live. I start to notice that when i arrive on a Sunday Evening for our contemporary service - they are already there. Do they actually go home for lunch?

The are so at home now that they are beginning to bully the other kids, ever the older youth (who are very patient and tolerant) are beginning to complain that the 'street kids' are throwing them with stones. I call the kids aside, i talk to them once more (maybe they don't know better).

It is Sunday again, the kids again arrive at Sunday School, the old ladies are now beginning to get annoyed with these kids who wolf down everything that is meant for the congregation to share with their tea. I explain that they must have been hungry but that i will talk to them. At four that afternoon i arrive at the church the kids come out of hiding from behind the church but deny that they were there. Again they terrorize the youth (who are now beginning to loose their patience). During the service I find myself battling to concentrate on on the sermon that i am delivering as they keep moving around, giggling and throwing each other with berries.

After the service I call them together and explain that they are welcome but that there are certain kinds of behavior that is not appropriate. I try to be firm but 'nice' and tell them that the service finishes by 20h00 and that they have to arrange with their parents to pick them up at that time (the previous 2 weeks we took them to somewhere in the middle of the informal settlement - they still don't want us to see where they live - after it became clear that 'their uncle' is not coming).

Monday Evening, my day off - i quickly run into the church to pick something up. When i turn around, they are there. I feel awful but tell them that they cannot be there at that time.

Tuesday - youth cells. I open up at 17h00 so the band can practice - the kids sneak in. It is cold and rainy outside but I take a hard line and tell them that they need to go home before it gets dark. At 18h45 I realize that they are still there, again throwing the youth (who came for cell groups) with stones. I am angry - I take them out of the church and tell them that they are welcome on a Sunday, but this is the time for older kids. I tell them that i cannot allow them to hurt the other kids and if that continues, they will not be welcome...

I came home at about 21h30 last night feeling BUGGED about this... Surely the church could not tell anyone that they are not welcome. I heard Jesus saying: "Suffer the little children to come unto me" and i saw a picture of him chasing people who made it impossible for others to worship out of the church and it BUGGS me! it buggs me that there are kids who have no place to go on a rainly day other than an open church. It buggs me that i have gone so far as to tell these kids that they are welcome - conditionally. It bugss me that if i allow these kids to be there, others are not free to worship and focus. It buggs me that i suspect that things might start disappearing from the church if i do not set boundaries.

WWJD is becoming increasingly more difficult for me

BUGGED

Protocol Observed

2008-11-04T16:30:00.002+02:00

It was a Saturday and, as often happens in the ministry, i found myself running from one meeting to the next:
* The first meeting was an informal meeting in a local coffee shop. There were no carefully planed agenda's and nobody was taking any minutes - simply a hand full of people who are involved in mission of some form or description. They came from different churches, organizations, cultures and socio-economical backgrounds. No one was 'in charge', each person sharing in a celebration of the work of God in the world.
* The second was an official church meeting, (and a very important one i may add) chaired by one of the influential ministers who holds a high office in the hierarchy of our church. This too was a meeting about mission. The chairperson was attempting to explain to the meeting (all ministers, pastors, preachers and leaders) that all people are set free to be in mission.

In the first meeting I found a sincere appreciation for the skills; the ministry and the lives of each other as we shared in each others joys, hurts, dreams and challenges. People were reaching out across the divides in an effort to reach a common goal. In the second meeting i found competitiveness, pride, jealousy and so much red tape that nothing that was shared will be implemented within at least three months of the meeting... but at least protocol has been observed

Give us today our daily bread...

2008-11-03T13:53:00.003+02:00

Sitting in a coffee shop the other day, a friend asked:" What can i eat that is cheap and filling, but please don't tell me 'bread'! "

How often have i been in that place in my own life: "Lord, i want to be filled with Your Spirit, i want to know You more... But please don't tell me to spend more time and energy on my knees and with your Word"

Why do we settle for that which cannot satisfy? Why do we want the cheap and easy option Spiritually? Today i will ask for my Daily Bread and find it not in spiritual junckfood, but in "the Bread of Life".

opstaan - deur koos van der merwe

2008-10-24T19:26:00.001+02:00

"mag jy mooi wees as die lelik verby is
en jy sag kyk na elke harde tyd
mag jy bly wees as die huil verby is
en jy vrede he na die stryd

verkeerde goed kom more weer reg
en die wyn is soet na die bitter en sleg

mag jy opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
mag jy huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter los vir die son

en mag jy droom, mag jy ook vergeet
en op plekke woon wat van horisonne weet

jy kan opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
jy kan huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter lost vir die son"

pressing on

2008-10-23T20:41:00.002+02:00

Those who know me well will know the journey that I have been on; know my struggle with a "superwoman" complex; know that I am a recovering-control-freak (with lost of recovery that still needs to take place); know something of my over-active sense of responsibility; know my fear of disappointing; my fear of the unknown... you might also know that about two weeks ago I resigned from my position as Youth Pastor in the Uitenhage Methodist Church.

So...

I am on a new journey, leaving behind me many things that I have taken for granted for a very long time, stretching out into the uncertain future, but towards integrity... and wholeness. How i wish that i could declare as boldly as Paul: "Ek maak my los van wat agter is en strek my uit na wat voor is..." but truth be told, it is with shaky steps that i loosen my grip as superwoman to make room for ... just me. And yet, unsteady as i am in these new but strangly familiar shoes I know that nothing can seperate my from His love!

From God - with love

2008-10-04T16:07:00.003+02:00

So there i was walking around the boardwalk today with a heavy heart, worrying about all the things that tomorrow will bring, stopping with my son to watch a clowning act done by a local couple involved in clowning ministry....

First, let me interrupt myself by saying that over the last 3 weeks my soul has been crying out for some flowers and although i have seen numerous beautiful wild flowers on a hiking trip and a trip to the beautiful Cape, i was not satisfied - because they were not my flowers.

Anyway, so here i was, standing absentmindedly at a distance after the show when I heard the clown saying to my husband : "which way are you going now? i want to walk with you because i need to spoil your wife today. "

I must say, i was feeling a bit like Zacheus, sitting in the tree minding his own business, when Jesus stopped and said: Come down - for i am going to your house today...

So there in the busy boardwalk, the clown in his gentle way reminded me of the Holy Spirit being there, while making me this flower and saying that I need to remember Jesus' words in Luke 12:22-34 - and then he turned around and walked into the crowd

In that moment I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat: I have been feeling so unworthy of God's love, so tired of trying, so afraid of the unknown, so powerless, so ...
And here is God, speaking to me through the two things in life that i really don't enjoy - a clown and a plastic flower.

Today i bow in humility before my King: "i am weak but Tho are mighty..." and with the church throughout the ages I sing that oh so relevant hymn: "Guide me oh thou great Jehovah..."

The Long and the Short of it

2008-09-06T21:27:00.002+02:00

Earlier last week our church secratary (at least i think that is her official job description), asked me where my sparkel has gone ... I joked and said that once confirmation is over she can have anything she wants, even sparkel. Yesterday she came to me, with her gentle eyes that looks deeper than most, and asked since confirmation is now over when she could expect my sparkle to come back...

So here is the story - the long and the short of it:

I knew from an early age that i felt called into full-time ministry (at first i was thinking about mission). I did the whole running away thing for some time and studied high school education instead. In my final year i was confronted with the prospect of youth ministry and after having prayed long and hard about it made the change. I started out as a youth pastor and not long afterwords experienced a very strong called into what i believed was ordained ministry. I spend five years in youth ministry however before candidating for the ordained ministry. My first two years as a student minister was in the beautiful cape in a little place called Macassar (close to Somerset West in South Africa). Although this was a cross-cultural station i felt right at home and enjoyed every minute of my work there... and then out of the blue i got a call from the bishop to let me know that it was the decision from the presiding bishop that i have to move to Bloemfontein (do not go to those who need you but to those who need you most). So, with many tears, i left the beatiful Cape to go back to the place where i started out as a youth pastor. When I arrived i heard that they did not want me - but that i will have to do. I worked extremely hard trying to built up the 5 societies in my care and at the end of that year, i had the joy of seeing the fruit of my labour in that the two biggest societies were stable enough to each have their own minister now. What a joy to see the growth in a community that has not had the luxury of having their own minister for so long...

Unfortunately this was the begining of the end. I have stepped on many toes, been to vocal and with the added burden of ill health and the resulting academical miss step, i have finaly been discontinued from the ministry that I have put so much into. I left the ministry not having had the audience of either the bishop or presiding bishop and still in pain after a recent opp. My son was due to start School and we had to make some quick decisions. By the grace of God and with some help of friends we survived the two months without a stipend and without a place to really call "home". In Feb, i started in Uitenhage as a youth pastor, signing a 3year contract - so what is the problem?

I enjoy the young people and that while i enjoy the local church i find myself being highly sceptical of the church at large. I find the structures enslaving and the red tape limiting. I am beginning to wonder if i will ever be able to stand up in front of a synod again and declare that i believe and teach the doctrines of our church - not to mention adhering to its discipline. I cannot stay in youth ministry forever and i am pressuered from all sides to recandidate and go back into the same structure that spat me out only months ago. I find myself slipping into the role of minister all too easily when the need arises. I miss ministering through sacraments, i miss the diversity of the ordained ministry - but i cannot see myself going back into it.

I have a passion for people who do not fit the mould, for those who are sitting in the shadows. I long for a day when the church can truely be church and be set free from religion. I want to share the Good News of a God who loves, a God of grace, a God who is so much bigger than our understanding, a God who is real and oh so verry relavant. I long to show the other side of God. I have a passion for healing and reconciliation, I have a passion for young poeple and for showing a verry real alternative. I have a passion for God... But i do not know how or in what capacity to live this passion, this call. I am still to vocal, i still step on toes and my verry being goes against so much of what has become the expected mould that i cannot see a future for me in traditional church (he-he, perhaps that is why i get along so well with the youth).

Pray for me for clarity and wisdom as i urgently seek some direction on what it means for me to Be Under God's Supervision

Sparkelless bug

Perspective

2008-09-05T16:27:00.002+02:00

Every once in a while i fall into the trap of becoming completely self-absorbed. Since December 2007 my life and ministry has been a roller-coaster ride. While I have much to be thankful for, the struggle with my call and general circumstances have been eating away at my peace and joy (or rather, i have allowed it to...).
Today, i clicked on the 'next blog' button and came across this blog http://lilyblessings.blogspot.com/. Suddenly my own struggles and issues have been put into perspective again. I have no idea why this post have touched me so much, but am grateful that it did. I do not say that my issues are all solved or that i know what to do or where to begin, but i do know that i have been too much of a worry-bug again (why is it that i never seem to learn in this regard) and resolve to get up from my ash-heap and wait on the God of Grace to reveal His plan and purpose to me.

So, excuse me as i get up from behind my computer to go and play with my precious 7-year-old.

Recovering worry-bug

where do i begin

2008-09-02T16:58:00.003+02:00

Where do i begin....
where do i begin to pick up the pieces of my scrambled mind? where do i begin to make sense of that which is so loosely termed 'life'? where do i begin to find the next step if i am not even sure of the one that i am on? Where do i begin to dust the cobwebs that clouds my mind? where do i begin to cur away the scar tissue that darkens my heart? where do i begin to tear down that which has no foundation? where do i begin to die? where do i begin to live? where do i begin...

For all those who complain about me not posting

2008-07-19T10:48:00.000+02:00

post

Noah - faith or works?

2008-05-28T15:47:00.003+02:00

last night i was rudely interrupted in a very interesting dream. I dreamt i was talking to someone (whom i cannot remember) who asked me if Noah was saved by faith or through works. i must probably add that the interruption was from my husband who was complaining because i was once again talking in my sleep.

This morning i woke up with this question in my mind. I suppose one can argue that Noah was saved by faith - for Noah trusted in God and therefore did what he was asked to do. On the other hand one could argue that he was saved by works for even if He believed that God was going to send a great big flood, he would still have died if he didn't built the Ark.

However, now that i am a bit more awake it becomes more clear: true faith always goes over into action. As James reminds us: faith without action is dead.

Moreover, i am being short-sighted: salvation is about eternity, yes it impacts on the here and now but it is about much more than our physical bodies and needs.

Perhaps though, we need more Noah-Christians, people who are willing to act on their faith, people who are willing to get their hands dirty...

I pray that God will lead me to be more like Noah in this regard

running

2008-04-29T10:17:00.002+02:00

a friend of mine http://sunflowerunderhisrays.blogspot.com/ writes about the urge to run, an urge that i have felt so many times before. While reading her blog it struck me that i have been asking the wrong question all along. the question is not what/where i am running from but rather what/where i am running to.

hmm, i will have to give this some more thought

untitled

2008-04-16T10:57:00.003+02:00

Today is one of those restless, windy days in Utenhage and my office ander the trees that is on other days a haven of tranquility is turned into a dusttrap. The sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is shining the trees and grass the grass are a radient green after the recent rains and still, this day is restless, this day is cold.

It causes my mind to wander...
How easily we can judge anothers life to say that they have it easy! like the weather here, looks can be so deciving...

in my previous blog i gave reflected on children who need and do not need and those who need most who am i to judge who need most? needs may differ, but needs are still needs. some of the most vibrant people i know are people with the deepest hurts. Experience have toaught me that it is often those who apear to be in the sun who have a great need for the Son.

i dream of a Christian society who will choose to look past appearances and who will love undonditionally. I dream of a church where all of my friends with all their peculiarities will be welcome and cared for - no matter which way the wind blows. I long for a a true jubilee when all will be set free: free from labels, free from pain, free from prejudice, free from the past, free from the judgmental looks and comments from other Christians, free to be who God created them to be, free...

The wind is still blowing en my next appointment is on the way so i guess i should sweep and dust my office one more time. Now if only i could sweep and dust my heart as easily...

peace

"those who need you most"

2008-04-15T14:50:00.006+02:00

last week i spend my mornings with a group of children from a currently disadvantaged background in a life skills holiday club. These children represent all races and gender and have seen it all and despite the pain, the neglect, the abuse and the violence that they have seen, felt and experienced - they are children with a great need for love, a great need for food, a great need for God and a great need to be needed. Worship with these kids was challenging and yet simple for they do not expect me to wow them with technology, impress them with skill or to be a step ahead of the latest trends. All they expected was for me to be present in the moment.

The group of leaders who worked will not be the first choice for any leadership team, they are not dynamic, not impressive, not even eloquent, but they are loving and caring and committed. They are perhaps closer to the team that God would have chosen...

This week, i am overseeing the preparations for another holiday club, this time for a very different group of kids with different needs and i find myself irritated with the superficial nature of our concerns, will be be able to out-do our previous holiday clubs, will the decor be professional enough? The team of leaders that will be chosen will be very different, only the best of those who applied will be selected and i cant help but hear Jesus saying "whitewashed tombs".

Despite my current crisis in calling i do know two things for certain:
* I still am called to have a preferential option for the poor, and
* I am still called to "do not go to those who need you, but to those who need you most"

i guess God is not finished with me yet...

coffee-less coffee

2008-03-30T06:26:00.003+02:00

When my brother was about five years old, he learnt to make coffee. He was extremely proud of this newly acquired skill (as coffee has always played a major role in our household) and decided to take our parents some coffee in bed. Now my mom used to have these big, dark brown mugs which made it very difficult to judge its contents early in the morning. Anyway, Dad takes his coffee with milk and sugar and took the first sip. He frowned a little but said thank you. Mom takes here coffee without milk and with no sugar and when she took the first sip asked in horror: "how much coffee did you put in" to which my brother sheepishly replied: "oeps, i forgot to put coffee in"

so why this story?

a friend of mine recently asked me what my greatest fear is, and while i have many fears i had to confess that ultimately my greatest fear is that i would only exist and never really live. Coffee without coffee is not coffee at all and i guess that life without the right ingredients is not life either. Milk and sugar are optional extras but you cannot have coffee without the water and the coffee itself. i am on a journey towards discovering which parts of my life are the optional extras and which are the essentials.

I know that Jesus is essential in my life if i want to have live (John 10:10) and that in abundance, and i believe that there are other things that are essential as well, like: being who i was created to be, living according to God's purpose for me and so on. The challenge however is to become me, stripped of all the masks and little lies that, over the years, i have told myself and others about who i am.

I have decided to allow God to take me through a process of pruning, becoming recklessly honest with myself, my God and others.

If becoming who i am drives people away, then maybe my interactions with those have been meaningless anyway. Becoming who i am means becoming who i was created to be and this includes some growing, some pruning, some molding and shaping. It does not give me an excuse to be hurtful or insensitive.

So pray for me as i continue on this journey.

metamorphosis bugs

"I will still be joyfull"

2008-03-12T16:21:00.004+02:00

"Even though the fig-trees have no fruit and no grapes grow on the vines, even though the olive-crop fails and the fields produce no corn, even though the sheep all die and the cattle-stalls are empty, I will still be joyful and glad, because the Lord God is my saviour.
The Sovereign Lord gives me strength. He makes me sure-footed as a deer, and keeps me safe of the mountains." Habakkuk 3:17-19

I have no idea when to start, perhaps I need to start with me going back to youth ministry, not by choice but out of a painful experience that brought me here:
i never thought, not in my wildest dreams that i would go back to youth ministry, but i have found this last month as a youth pastor to be a healing and stretching experience. i have had to learnt to say "i will still be joyful". In the last three months i have probably grown more than in any other time in my life and though the experience was painful, the Sovereign Lord has kept me sure-footed on this rugged mountain.

Last week, my best friend were told that the company she works for can no longer afford to employ her - i am amazed at her strength which i am sure is God's strength in her - 'still i will be glad'

This weekend a friend have lost all security and been through an incredibly difficult time, but it has been amazing to see christian love in action as her friends rallied around to help - 'still i will be glad'

On Friday, after having walked about in pain for more than a week, i went to the doctor. It turns out that, not having rested well after a recent opp, there is some internal bleeding and a resulting abscess. God supplied me with a doctor who decided to treat me with no cost as my new medical aid only kicks in from April - 'still i will be glad'

On Saturday my sister went for a run in Cape Town and was attacked with a large rock. This happened at a place where there was nobody to help her, but the Sovereign Lord gave her strength so that she would not fall and suffer a worse fate and sure-footed so that she managed to run to help. he supplied the help in the form of a group of cyclists who helped - "still i will be joyful and glad"

Today i learnt that a school friend, the only one i actually keep in touch with, will have to have his only kidney removed. He is in urgent need of a transplant - 'still i will be joyful and glad'

Yesterday i sat with a young girl who has been through much more in her short life than i have and her words to me was :"i don't always understand or even agree with what God does or allows, but He is God and I will always serve him, and him only".

thou shalt not be succesfull

2008-03-04T15:00:00.005+02:00

I have been watching 'As it is in Heaven' again today and i was wondering: Why is it that the church (or Christians) find success so threatening?

I have seen it so many times in so many different towns, so many different churches, so many different organizations and lives - we ask people to do something for the church or for God, we expect them to get on with it and we complain if they don't. However, if they do get on with the job at hand and do it really well, we will find a reason why their success is not good and why their services should be terminated. What exactly is it that we are so afraid of. Why are we so insecure that the success of other Christians cause us to question their motives? Why can we not celebrate each other's ministries and success? I am saddened by the destructiveness of this tendency amongst God's people.

I do realize that this is an over-generalization, as not all churches; not all ministers; and not all Christians are like that. I am currently working with a superintendent who celebrates victories with me - what a blessing! I have seen organizations working together and Christians being happy for and with one another. It seems however that this is the exception and not the rule.

In my own life i have often noticed that things goes banana-shaped the moment that i forget that i am part of a body and start acting as if i am the body. Perhaps the same is true in the church as a whole and that we need to be reminded of our interdependence in a world and era of independence. Is this perhaps why Paul says: 'his power in me is greatest when i am weak' ?

perplexed-bug

Solitude

2008-03-01T12:48:00.001+02:00

Ever noticed the difference between solitude and loneliness? You can be with lots of people and be extremely lonely and yet you can be all on your own but not lonely at all. Today I am home alone, but not lonely, in fact I am so very content just being me right now. I decided to stay home today (because I have work to do and a sermon to finish) while the two men in my life decided to go out and do the bush-thing. I did not realize however, not until now, how much I needed time on my own.

Jesus had this habit of withdrawing from the crowd and yes, even from his disciples. Why then is it that I still think that I, a mortal human being, can do without it?

How at peace I am here in my office, over-looking our shady garden where my cat is basking in the sun and my dog is chasing a butterfly. The song of the birds fills the air and the gentle breeze carries the sweet scent of the big old Jacaranda tree with its delicate purple flowers. It feels like I can burst into a Psalm of praise like David of old.

For the first time this week I am not rushing to pick-up, drop-off, to lead or be lead, to keep an appointment or to meet a deadline. For the first time this week I am free to experience the warmth of the Son. For the first time I don’t have to watch the arms if the clock while praying. So I resolve that this year I will make sure that I have regular times like these where I can be alone so that I will not be lonely…

Peace-bug

a bug's life

2008-02-28T13:34:00.003+02:00

A story is being told of two caterpillars who were strolling around in the garden one morning. The two friends spotted a butterfly in flight when one remarked: ' you will never catch me in one of those, not even if you paid me'

It has been about a month since my last post and in that month so much have changed. the life cycle of a bug has taken place once again - the chrysalis process of seaming death and rebirth; of transformation; of pain-and-hope; and ultimately of new beginnings! There has been the odd occasion where i heard myself say: 'you will not catch me in youth ministry, not again' . I have mentioned in one of my previous posts that i firmly believe God has a sense of humor and so guess what i am doing ... Yip, i am back in youth ministry (well, mainly youth ministry) and the scariest part is that i am actually enjoying it.

So here i am, the same bug with different (perhaps more funky) spots. i am certain that this is where i have to be for now, and tho the process was painful, the growth that lies in this process has been significant. i am curious to see what the ultimate plan and destination is, but for now - i am enjoying the journey.

traveling mercies friends
bugs
(being under Gods supervision)

"like children"

2008-01-23T21:22:00.000+02:00

Oh how often I have read the words of Jesus "unless you become like children" and yet, i still have not discovered the full richness of these words. It is now, watching my own child sleeping so peacefully that i discovered yet another little peace of this amazing truth:

As a family, we have been through an extremely turbulent times with lots of insecurities, hurts and frustrations. Till recently i have always boasted of my ability to fall asleep whenever my head touches the pillow, but in the last three weeks i have had many a sleepless night - stressing and worrying about things beyond my control.

Getting back to my sleeping child...

Even though he is aware of most of the worries and difficulties that faces us right now, my son has as attitude of: 'Well, i have prayed about this' and 'i trust mom & dad' and so he has been laughing, playing and sleeping - enjoying the adventure. Yes he has been frustrated at times, and yes he is missing the familiar sights and faces of those we love but he trusts unwaveringly that all will be okay.

I need to learn to trust more like him, to say: 'Well i have prayed about that and i know that my heavenly Dad will take care of me and so i can laugh, play and sleep and see this as a great adventure' ... if only i can become like a child again!

When is it that we loose our trust and faith, when is it that we become too cautious to become excited about that which we know our Heavenly Father can do, about His love and care for us?

Having spent the last to hours frantically trying to find my own solutions i hear God saying: Martha, Martha, you tail and trouble so, but only one thing is needed...

So this is me saying goodnight to go and practice becoming like a child again...
peace

the parrable of the fallen pencil

2008-01-05T12:42:00.000+02:00

A friend of mine tagged me to write the parable of the fallen pencil and I in turn would love to see what rock, gus, barry and the guys will do with it.

Here goes mine:

there once were two pencils: a beautiful upright conventional pencil and a rubbery pencil that seemed to lack backbone. Nothing about this pencil was conventional and it would certainly not be allowed in the grade 1 class where everything has to be proper and up to standard. The conventional pencil always looked down on the rubbery pencil and despised him for being different. Much to the dismay of both these pencils, they ended up together in a little boy's pencil bag.

One day, the little boy, in the carelessness of youth, dropped the pencil bag and both pencils fell painfully to the ground. When eventually they were picked up again, the little boy saw that the beautiful upright pencil's point was broken, so he started sharpening it, but no matter how much he sharpened the pencil, it's point kept falling out. The pencil's lead was broken inside and it has lost its usefulness.

In life we are often much like these pencils, some of us are beautiful, upright, conventional people who expect everyone else to fit into our 'conventional' way of thinking and doing things. Some of us never quite fit into the 'conventional' category and my feel unworthy at times. However to survive life's up's and down's - to survive life's falls we need to be a little more flexible, more open to change. It is often our uniqueness that makes us useful in God's hand.

a tree cut off; a tree alive

2007-12-30T11:53:00.000+02:00

in our back garden stands a great big old tree stump that tells the sad story of not being wanted anymore where it was planted - not by its own will, but my the one who planted it. For at least six months this tree stump stood there, a sad testimony of the whimsical nature of humanity. Now however, this stump is sprouting new leaves and branches, testifying to a power far greater than that of mankind the power of hope in hopelessness. The power of the true light that shines in the darkness: the power of Christ.

Today the "tree of my ministry" is being cut of as the powers that be announced to the congregations that I have served for the last two years that i will be discontinued as a minister in this church. Like the stump in our back garden, it is a sad testimony of the nature of humanity, speaking of hopelessness and pain, of not being wanted anymore where i was planted (not by my own will but by the hand of Him who planted me) - disregarding years of faithful service and growth. However, this 'stump of my ministry' that remains is a testimony to much more. It is a testimony of hope in hopelessness, a testimony to the light of Christ that changes and saves - regardless of pain, darkness and fear.

Today, i stand not because i am proud, but because i know that i serve a God of new beginnings, a God of love and hope . A God who is there in our times of darkness. Today i proclaim boldly:
God is life!

politics

2007-12-20T13:11:00.000+02:00

In the light of recent developments in politics in our country, it is easy to loose hope, to become despondent and to allow for darkness to rule our hearts and minds and then there are moments that gives hope, moments like this one:

As i am sitting here, i can hear the laughter and giggles outside of two six-year olds: one is my own little boy, the other - the son of a friend from a different cultural background. Both are fluent in at least two languages and knows a couple of words in a third. My son can speak English, Afrikaans and a bit of SeSotho, his friend can speak SeSotho, SeTwana and a bit of English. They do not fully understand each other, but have been playing the morning away. They laugh, they help, they play and have developed their own way of communication. Perhaps this is why God said that we need to become children again: Instead of focusing on problems, differences or that which divides us, they focus of similarities finding solutions and each other.

Perhaps my next vote should be going to a child ...

in short

2007-12-19T08:53:00.000+02:00

what a year! so many good things that happened , so many painful things, so many questions, so little answers... A roller-coaster ride of hope and despair!

Today i think back on one of the most difficult years of my life and somehow, i am without words to describe this year other than to say in the words of Charles Spurgeon: "I have a great need for Christ; I have a great Christ for my need"

My calling has been tested again and again on every level and all tho others might doubt my call, i am more sure than ever of my calling. I don't know where 2008 will lead me, but this i know:
"His grace is sufficient for me"

uncharted territory

2007-10-24T13:35:00.000+02:00

How often do we use the words 'trust' and 'faith', and how often do we really understand what we are saying?

In the last while (and especially this week) i have been gaining a fresh understanding of what it really means to say that i trust God or that i have faith in Him. In the past it has been easy for me to say these things as i have felt that i am in control of my life and ministry. I have been like a good layer who only asks the questions that s/he already knows the answers to. I have been trusting God in that which is certain - eternal life. For everything else, i could make a plan.

Recently however, i have had to learn to trust God when nothing is certain. I am learning that the greatest for of trust is when i can see no way out. i am like Gideon, being asked to trust God when humanly the situation seems impossible. i am being asked to trust God with my life now and not only one day when i die and do not have any control anyway. This kind of trust is a trust that i am following his lead when i cannot see the outcome yet, it is asking the questions that i don't know the answers to. I t is walking in uncharted territory with dangers all around me. I can no longer depend on my own insights, experience or understanding. I cannot depend on friends or family.

All of this is terrifying ... and yet it is strangely liberating!
Today i declare (with an unsteady voice) "Christ enough for one - for all!"

getting on with the job

2007-10-19T11:21:00.000+02:00

This morning in my devotions i was challenged with the following thought:

Suppose the world population was standing at about 5 000 million (yes, it is more than that). And suppose you are the only Christian in the world (no, you are not) and suppose that in the next 12 months you could lead one person to Christ. In the next year you and the person you have lead to Christ each lead one more person to Christ. The question is: how long will it take, if every Christian then every year only lead one person to Christ, before everyone on earth has been reached with the Good News?

Only 32 years!

In this year, i have been running around so much, running meetings, resolving conflicts, doing everything a good minister should - that i have forgotten my real job. Making Disciples not of me but of God.

So this is me getting on with the real job

Life!

2007-09-12T09:50:00.000+02:00

As the signs of new life is evident all around us with the arrival of spring, i am filled with a sense of awe for the author of life itself...

In my garden is a young tree that i planted in a difficult time of my life just before the winter started. Yes, i know it is a funny time to be planting a tree, but i was kind of trying to rescue it and the struggling tree soon became a metaphor for my own life. As winter progressed this young tree began to look dead and hopeless - the force and severity of our icy winter taking its toll. The other day i was walking around in the garden and stood in amazement as i noticed the signs of new life in what appeared to be a dead and hopeless young tree. Don't get me wrong, the tree is still not looking great, but there is HOPE!

Today i am reflecting on the signs of new life in my own life - in every aspect of my life i can still see the results of an icy winter, the destruction and decay left by lovelessness and indifference. but there is hope and in ever aspect of my life there are signs of new life, signs of hope! This does not mean that the struggles are over, but there is HOPE and that hope lies in the Author of life.

May Spring-rains shower your (and my) spirit as we continue to become that which we were created to be.

peace?

2007-08-18T16:31:00.000+02:00

one of the most difficult passages in Scripture for me to make sense of has always been that of Luke 12: 49-53. How i long for peace in the church (man peace in our leaders meeting would be great)! How i long for a day when there would not be this never-ending conflict amonst Christians themselves a day when "peace on earth" would be more than just a Christmas greeting! When i then read Jesus words in Luke 12:49-53 i cant help but sigh a deep sigh...

Yes i know that the peace that Jesus brings is not the peace that this world brings, i know that it is not the absence of conflict but rather a deep inner peace that is not dependent on external factors but rather on Jesus' sovereignty and saving grace - but still. The problem with peace in the church is perhaps not so much what Jesus was alluding to in Luke 12 but more John 15:18- 16:4 - We all tend to go off on our own crusades in which we fight "on God's behalf" against that which we have decided is an abomination to Him (as if God is not big enough to fight those battles for himself). We go about all self-righteous and judgmental honestly thinking that we are doing God a favor while tearing the body of Christ into peaces, crushing and obscuring the image of God in others. and we say - "it is for God".

The Message that Christ brings of unconditional love, forgiveness and justice all to often brings division rather than peace when our own ego's and insecurities gets in the way.

Again, the words "more of You and less of me" is my hearts desire. may i not ever seek to persecute those who think differently, worship differently and experience differently. May we seek to find the image of God in others and allow God to be God.

De-bugged

2007-08-17T14:03:00.000+02:00

I have heard about it a lot, i have been warned against it by many, i have even come close to it at times - but never as close to it as the last month...

Yes i am talking about "burn-out". This year so far has been extremely taxing and i ended up exhausted, stressed, empty and bitter - even to the point of wanting to throw away the collar. Today, i can begin to see the light again.

So how did i de-bug and how am i going to stay de-bugged?

During the last couple of days all i could really concentrate on was prayer and fasting and in this time i spend hours in front of the piano, simply worshiping. During this time, i had wise friends who reminded me to focus of the good , the pure, the excellent, the praise-worthy (Phil 4:4-8). At first i was too tired, but while worshiping God, i found my mind wondering onto the many "good things" in my life and ministry: There is growth in a society that once was ready to die; there is unity in a congregation where there once was only division; this same tiny society has started to grow not only in numbers but in Spirit by reaching out to the community and those in need; there has been miracles in the lives of some young people and heaven rejoices over lost sheep returning home; the has been the miracle in the life of little Ethan-River a baby born with a huge cyst on his lung but when the time came for him to be operated on (one week after he was born) the cyst was nowhere to be found - the doctors are still wondering about that... and so i can go on and on.

How is it that i can focus so easily on that which goes wrong and forget about that which goes right? Why do we always tend to see those who are unhappy and miss the happy ones?

If worship, prayer, fasting and fellowship is what has served as instruments in God's hands to de-bug this little bug, then that is what i need more of in my life. And so the quest to balance continues, but in a new way: more of Him and less of me = balance

Spider-woman

2007-07-14T12:38:00.000+02:00

Honestly, i will not be surprised in the least if i start squirting webs from out of my wrists one of these days (of cause my little boy would think it is extremely cool if his mom could do that)!

For the third time in six months i have been bitten by a really poisonous spider, leaving me in lots of pain and frustration. Now i wonder: is this simply coincidence or is Someone trying to tell me something here? I am not superstitions about these things but this is getting a bit much...

anyway, speaking about spiders... i had a dream some years ago about spiders and webs in the church and about the poison of bitterness, self-centeredness, gossip and pride that spreads easily through the whole church. The antidote for this is within reach (Jesus' unconditional and sacrificial love) but because as ministers (and God's children in general) we are often infected ourselves trough the hurt by another hurting person/s and so instead of breaking the web and assisting in the healing process, we tend to spread more of our own poison. My prayer is that as His children, we will take time to be healed and transformed by His love in order that we my become instruments of healing and transformation in others.

i am thus a recovering spider-woman...

I just wanna be a sheep ...

2007-06-30T16:00:00.000+02:00

on of the silly little songs that the youth and children likes to sing is that of "i just wanna be a sheep..." all though this song (like many others in the church) irritates me due to its lack of depth and sound doctrine, it reminds me today of a valuable spiritual truth.

I remember as a child of about five-years-old my friend and i walking home from 'kinderkrans' after a lesson about "Jesus the Good Shepherd. My friend turned to his mother - very confused- and asked: "mom if we are Jesus' sheep, am i supposed to 'baa'?

so often, even in my adult life, i have forgotten what it means to be a sheep of His flock. I forget that it means that i need to keep my eyes focused on Him and my ears trained to follow His voice (and only His). I forget that if i don't i can get myself horribly lost. And when i do get horribly lost, i forget that i need to put my pride aside and allow Him to carry me home. I forget that the simplest way to find direction in life or to make decisions is to follow His lead and to go where He has already been.

And so, feeling a bit sheepish, i sing with the kids: "I just wanna be a sheep..."

tribute to an angel

2007-06-27T16:11:00.001+02:00

A friend of mine often says jokingly: "i want to die silently and in my sleep like grandpa did, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car".

Today has been one of those freezing cold days with snow flakes falling gently on the ground, and on this cold day i had the privilege to bury a remarkable lady. A lady who warmed (quite literally) the hearts and lives of many. If i could have a say in how i would like to die, i would want to die like her. On Thursday evening the family found her in her lounge peacefully sitting on her favorite chair still with a half-finished jersey for a less fortunate child in her hands that she was busy knitting when she died. What a testimony, what a way to go! Valerie was 75 years old and loved and cared in thought and in action. She always knew what was going on in the community and in the world and would not only complain about bad circumstances but did something to change it. Her relationship with her Lord was so real, so intimate that the had a permanent glow.

Today, on this very cold winters day, i had the privilege to hand out the last five jerseys that she knitted to five abandoned children.

Today, i give tribute to an angel...

peace or pieces

2007-06-25T12:25:00.000+02:00

“ the calm of mind which is not ruffled by adversity, overclouded by sin or a remorseful conscience, or disturbed by the fear and approach of death”. - Eadie

Wow, how i need to have this peace, the peace of God that surpasses all understanding!

During the past week, i have been privileged to sit at the feet of a true teacher and am left with so many things to chew over. I have been challenged in so many ways and inspired to become more focused, becoming more of what i was created to be and allowing for His Spirit to direct my life.

Also, this past weekend, i have been shocked at the direction in which this organization that i work for and love so much is going. And now it is Monday morning, i am left with the spiritual slump of a post-mountaintop experience (that lasted a whole week); with loads of work on a "building and restoration" level and; with the longing for this peace of Christ (which Eadie describes as a "calm of the mind").

Now i used to think that the way to get this "peace" was to create balance in my life, balance that i simply cant seem to find. However, i do believe that the real problem was/is not balance, but rather focus & obedience. i have been running around focusing on the problems i am faced with and not on the much bigger God i am with. I have been looking for signs of trouble instead of looking for signs of God's power and grace. I have been trying to please the people i serve instead of finding joy in the God under who's supervision i stand. I have been seeking approval and validation from people instead of ministering in His authority.

Most importantly, i have been trying so hard to do everything that i think people expect me to do and have forgotten and neglected that to which God has called me in the first place - resulting in me spending 80% of my time in doing that which God has called someone else to do and only 20% of my time on that which God has created, called and equipped me for. Then i wonder why i am lacking the peace of God...

It is time for me to start moving more towards that which i was created, called and equipped to and thus becoming obedient to God's call and will in my life.

It seems i have a choice: either i can obey and be at peace or betray and keep on trying to balance the pieces.

worry-bug

2007-06-20T07:59:00.000+02:00

funny how one can always recognize something in someone else without ever acknowledging it in yourself.

For the last 8 years, my mother-in-law has been driving me insane with her constant worrying. it seems that she is simply not happy when she is not worrying. And when she does not have something to be anxious about in herself, she finds something in someone else's life to worry about.

this morning in the tub i realized that i have become a worry-bug... The worst part is that most of the things i worry about has nothing to do with me, but with friends or with those i minister to. It seems i keep on forgetting the truth that i learned from a five-year-old:

Upon entering a house of a friend one cold winters evening, their five-year-old ran up to me and asked: "do you know what the devil's greatest trick is?" i answered that i didn't know and he continued "it goes like this - you, go and sit in the corner and start worrying!"

It is nine years later and it seems that worrying has become the rocking chair that keeps me busy. While in the tub this morning i realized:
Worrying is the telltale sign that points to a focal problem in my life. When i worry, it is 100% of the time because i have taken my focus of God and placed it on my (or anyone else's) problems. in times when i worry i in effect doubt the size and power of my God. I am, like 10 of the 12 spies that went into the promised land, focusing of the giants that face me and not on the even bigger God that is with me.

So is there hope for a worry-bug like me?

For sure there is! the cure is at hand! all in need to do is to transform by the grace of God from a worry-bug to a praise-bug. That's it, it is that simple. I need to start focusing my time and energy on praising God. This will turn my self-centeredness into God-centredness and will leave not room for worry. It is all a matter of perspective.

Of cause i know that this will not mean that problems will not arise, in fact while i was typing this a close friend called with a problem, not something that i can do something about, she simply needed someone to listen. So what do i do? I give it to God, praise him for his love and care for her in the situation that she is in and allow Him to sort it out.

If you see me again and in look a little strange, don't worry: worry-bug is having her spots changed to that of a praise-bug.

what did i reap from "the reaping"?

2007-06-12T15:15:00.000+02:00

A wise man (yea, surprisingly enough there are some of those around) told me once to make a point of watching the stuff that the people i minister to will be watching, so that was what i did today on my day off (yeah, i have some of those too these days!).

anyway, to make a long story short : i watched "the reaping". So what did i gain from this experience (apart from nausea that is...)?

the movie left me with conflicting thoughts and feelings. It swings between good and evil all the time with a scientist who specializes in disproving miracles by finding scientific explanations for it. the first twist is that she was ordained and involved in mission before she lost her faith do to the death of her husband and child. The ten plagues appears one after the other in an remote little community where and it is up to the scientist to save people from its destructive power. It is more or less at this point where one starts to question who is behind these plagues. Is it God or Satan or something else?

Without giving away to much of the plot... in the last five minutes one is almost convinced that the victory belongs to God. in the final scene however, one is made aware that the struggle is not over - the generation to come will bring its own questions.

So what do i think?
my husband commented on the fact that that is simply not God's way of doing things. The problem with that line of thought is that God did use 10 plagues in Exodus. Does it therefore mean that God has changed? And if God has changed his modus operandi in this regard, what does it say for the laws and commands that society (and the church) clings to so desperately these days?

If the answer is that God still use plagues to punish and persuade, what does it say of natural disasters and HIV/AIDS?

These are some of the questions that i am anticipating from some of the youngsters watching this movie. My own view:

God has won the victory, however in ever generation we are faced with choices that will affect our own lives and the lives of others. God has won the victory, but we still at times need to struggle through a minefield of ifs and buts. In the end it is by faith and through grace that we are saved. He that is in us is still greater than he that is in the world!

This movie will not make it to my top ten list and i do not recommend watching it as part of a romantic night out but hey, if it can spark a discussion about my faith...

PS. cant wait to see what the wise man says about this movie

70 x 7

2007-06-11T16:18:00.000+02:00

How difficult it is to really forgive 70x7!

The last six months of LIFE UNDER GOD'S SUPERVISION has been extremely challenging. In this time i have had to battle through a minefield of emotional and verbal abuse from God's own people. Today i was faced with one of those difficult choices in ministry: do i shrug my shoulders and say well, the wheel turns... and allow for my 'abusers' to go through a similar form of 'abuse' or do i step up and protect them from the harshness and pettiness of other church people?

The church - there where we say we are under God's supervision where love and forgiveness supposedly are the driving force behind all we do and say is often the one place where people get hurt and feel rejection more that anywhere else on earth. I have entered into the ministry knowing that part of my call is to go to places where people have been hurt by and through the church. I never expected that i would become one of the casualties of this epidemic, but ...

In less than an hour i will be chairing a meeting and here, next to me on my desk is a letter that speaks in my favor, but breaks down others - in whom the image of God is fragile at the moment (fragile but always there). The challenge tonight will be to be God's love-bug to deal with all involved in truth and in love. Tonight there will be no place for my still very bruised ego or pride, only for love and truth and a forgiveness.

my mind is made up, i will deal with this in a gentle and loving way. I will treat them in the way that i wish the treated me some time ago, but i am humbled by this task before me and i am worried. i am worried that my own pain will overrule my mind.

Frozen bug...

2007-06-06T14:39:00.000+02:00

I have been thinking (and in this cold that in itself is a miracle for i am sure that i suffer from brain-freeze without even having the joy of eating an ice-cream) if i had to be a real bug, i probably would have been a "sonbesie". Happy and noisy in the heat of summer but virtually absent in the cold of a Free State winter.

I like winter, but only when i can snuggle up warmly in front of a warm fire with a good cup of coffee and the company of a good book or good friends. However, in the absence of these vital elements, i tend to fall silent. It is as if my tongue is frozen and i cannot speak or think properly. Oh how i wish i was a cat (or even the tick on a cat) who had the time to go and find the warmest spot in the house and curl up in the sun without a care in the world!

Even my body seem to be on a go-slow in winter: my blood pressure is at a constant low and my joints and muscles aching - as if i were double my age.

It is in winter however, that i reflect more than any other time in the year on life and love and the God of both. It is in this time that i am reminded of how dependent i am on God for my every breath. It is now that i need to look beyond myself and the world around me to find reason for hope and joy. Without fail it is in these times that my relationship with God deepens and my hope and joy springs eternally. It is in darkness that i see the light for what it is!

And so, with my toes ten blocks of solid ice and my joints sore and stiff, i can say with John Wesley "i felt my heart strangely warm". I rejoice in Christ my Saviour for the warmth of his embrace is enough to melt through the iciest day!

my His love warm your heart today!

life as a bug

2007-06-04T15:25:00.000+02:00

Why a bug? i was sitting in my office on a monday afternoon waiting for yet another appointment that was running late when i looked up at a sign that my secretary put on my wall, after the last battle with a spider, that reads "don't bug me". this got me thinking about bugs and what they stand for in my life.

whenever there is something with more than four feet around that is in the mood for a nice snack, they seem to run to me. this tendency has lead to many days in bed with malaria, tick-bite fever and spider bites (the latest of which was a button spider or two). often, these times of unplanned illness happened to be at a time in my life that i have been running around in circles. "Is this God's way of calling you to slow down?" a friend recently asked.

Bugs and spiders have been a symbol of things that still needs to be sorted out (long story, perhaps i will tell you about it some other time).

A bug is seemingly insignificant, but plays a vital part in the ecology. how often don't i feel this insignificance in my own existence! and yet, the Bible tells us that God even cares for the tiniest insect, the smallest little worm...

Today i realized that i belong to a special species, i am one of the bugs. every day in my vocation and my every moment i am "under God's supervision" and this thought is both awesome and scary. i am reminded of my own insignificance and yet have a vital roll to play. i am being called to slow down for a moment and reflect on life and all its aspects. And so this is me, just one of the bugs, going about my Fathers business...

being under God's supervision

2007-06-04T15:16:00.000+02:00

BUGS - Being Under God's Supervision